Couch Stuff

Yup it is that time again. Where I pour my heart and soul out for all the readers to see! LOL! I just don't know who to really even talk to about this stuff. So I blog about it and then it seems that my mind is free to move past it. So yes this blog is kinda like free therapy. But please feel free to comment and or email me your thoughts.

So my period started last week after a very promising looking chart. Tim & I gave it our very best efforts and we still are not pregnant. Timing was perfect, everything checks out with Tim, my charts look great and we put in LOTS of effort. But I still got my period. I am very sad about it.

I allowed myself a few days to mope and to process my feelings of sadness. But still I was depressed and upset about the period thing. I needed to explore the reasons why having a baby are so important to me. And that is a complicated question.

Why does anyone want children or a child? I don't really have an answer except to say that it is a desire deep within myself. I am a good mother, a capable mother. I take alot of joy in being a mother and I think my children benefit from having me as their mother. I want to pass my legacy and my life's work (which ironically enough, may just be my ability to mother and be a wife, friend, etc. LOL) on to someone else. It is a way to continue my family line, etc...But beyond that I don't have a big earth shattering revelation.

So in this journey I tried to also remember what it was like to have a newborn. I tried to remember how I handled having 3 babies when Mason was born. And THAT was when I came to my big earth shattering revelation.... I really don't remember alot. Now don't get me wrong. I remember the births of my children. I remember their sweet faces. I remember their distinct cries and the sounds of their voices. But what I don't remember is the day in day out stuff. I especially don't remember very much about Jasmyn's first year of life. I look at pictures of her and I don't necessarily remember what was happening at that time or the essence of that moment. At least not with the intensity that I remember Kaleb & Mason at the same age. I think that honestly the reason why I don't have intense memory of her is because I was suffering from undiagnosed Post Partum depression (PPD). I remember being sad alot. I remember feeling unable to cope. I remember stress and unhappiness.

I did not start taking medicine for my PPD until Mason was 8 mos old. Now looking back I see how unhealthy I was and how unhappy I made my family and myself by not getting help sooner. And that is also why I don't have solid memories of Jasmyn and Masons infancy. I was just so busy trying to survive that I did not imprint any memories of how I managed the first months of my children's lives. It is actually quite sad. Well... I feel sad about that.

Now that I am treating my PPD with medication and I am healthy I know what I missed. I am trying to make each moment count with my kids from here on out, and I do have lots of time left with them I know. And Mason really is still a baby. But I know that part of the reason I want to have another baby is because my feelings about this issue. It is almost like I want a "do-over". I know that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Especially if you consider my "do-over" would be a living breathing, needing a college fund, person. And as most Moms know, once I have this child I will "fail" in some way, regardless. There is no "perfect" parent or childhood. We are human and we make mistakes. I may screw up worst with this (hypothetical) child that with the ones before.

Another revelation I had was how awesome my birth experience was with Mason. I got to experience childbirth in a way that most women just don't get to. I birthed him at home with my children and family surrounding me. There is nothing cooler than that. I still get a big smile on my face and a rush of endorphins every time I tell or even think about his birth story. I would LOVE to have that experience again.

I know the ONLY people that can judge whether or not these reasons are "enough"is Tim and I. And I don't need anyone to validate my desire to have a child. But maybe what I need is some strategies to work through these reasons. If I don't ever get pregnant again will I forever be struggling with these issues?

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

I hope that wherever you are and whoever you are with that you are surrounded by love and thanksgiving!

I am celebrating today with Tim, my kids, Dave, his girlfriend Mandie, Future, my Mom, and our friend Katie. Jessica (Future's Mom) will be joining us later for dessert. I feel very thankful that my family is all together celebrating Thanksgiving. These past few years have been a difficult road to travel with lots of twists and turns. It is just awesome and something I am so proud of that our family has persevered and succeeded. I am so thankful and full of love for my family.

I hope you enjoy the day with the ones you love. We send our love to you on this Thanksgiving Day!

Full weekend!

I had every intention to blog about something meaningful this weekend. In fact I was going to write up my birth stories, just because I like retelling the story. LOL! But alas I got busy with the rest of my life! I did laundry, cleaned my house, reorganized the playroom, did a paper craft with the kids, made zucchini bread with Kaleb and painted Jasmyn's finger and toe nails! Oh and I am working on a Christmas project that I will share on here in January!!!! *whew* Yeah it was a productive weekend.

Here is the papercaft:

The kids and I painted the feathers and then I painted the turkey. After everything was dry I stapled it to the wall in my dinning room. Gobble Gobble! Happy Thanksgiving!

I promise to get back to my birth stories in the next few days. With Thanksgiving Day approaching I have pies to make, Groceries to buy, and a bird to thaw. So I will be around and about. Plus I have Christmas presents to finish and wrap!

Can't wait for January! Then maybe I can blow out one end of the candle. LOL!

I've been tagged

Thanks Megan for tagging me! So I guess I am supposed to write 6 unsuspected things about myself. This might be hard since I tend to be an open book.... hmmmmm

1. Once I switched to "Diet" soda I actually prefer diet Coke to Diet Pepsi. It surprised me too since I can't stand regular Coke but LOVE regular Pepsi.

2. My house may look all neat and clean on the surface... but my closets, drawers and rooms with locks may or may not be in TOTAL disarray!

3. I do not wear perfume. Tim hates it. I was so glad when he told me because I hate it too! It relieved my guilt of not wearing it!

4. I have 1 tattoo. It was very pretty when I got it 16 years ago. Now it looks like a bruise with flames coming off it! LOL! I am not in a huge hurry to get another one, but if I did I would fix the current one first before adding another.

5. I have to make my bed everyday. Even if it is only 2 minutes before I climb into it, I have to straighten the covers and smooth the sheets and fluff the pillows before I can sleep well. I also make my kids make their beds everyday. Besides, a room looks "pulled together" once the bed it made (see #2).

6. I only wear 2 pieces of jewelry. My wedding ring that Tim got from my Grandma. A pair of diamond earrings (the diamond is *almost* big enough to see. LOL!) that Tim bought me for Christmas the second year we were married. I have not taken them out of my ears once (other than for cleaning) since.

And since I know nobody else that blogs, I guess I can't tag anyone else. Sorry but this little game has to stop with me! LOL!

Bray Bunch Under Construction!

Yeah I have decided that my blog needs a face lift. I am not happy with the Orange that is has been. So I am playing around with some different color options and template choices. So forgive me as I continue my "construction". I will try to keep posting as I fiddle with things!!!!

All I want for Christmas is.....

a Sizzix! Well and the dies that come with it!!!!! THIS is the one I want!!! It works with all the different Sizzix dies.

I love paper crafts. I started doing scrape booking a while back. I have never been all the good at it. I can journal and I can take the pictures, but putting them together..... well that is more my friend Stephanie's department. Now that I have kids I have been more excited about all the cool things you can do with paper since they LOVE doing paper crafts. And then yesterday I got a special treat.

I was volunteering at Jasmyn's school. Ms. Casey wanted me to go cut some shapes out on the die cutter for some upcoming lessons/themes for her classroom. I had never used a die cutter before. And WOWZA are they cool! I made Snowmen and stars and turkeys and snowflakes and mittens. So today I went back in with my own paper and used the machine to make butterflies, flowers, stars, snowmen, Christmas trees, flower pots, and dinosaurs! It was so fun. And while I was cutting away I realized why so many scrapebookers use die cutters! They are so fun and easy. And with a little imagination.... my scrapebook pages might even look like someone older than 5 put them together!!

So if you are interested in checking it out, go to www.sizzix.com. Also they sell the dies on ebay! I think Tim is gonna buy the machine for me for Christmas. I told him for at least a year or so he will never have to ask me what I want to holidays... my answer will always be Sizzix dies!

This week remembered

Omojean Vivian Abromeit

On November 7, 1997, my Grandma Jean died. I remember the night like it was last night. I got a call from my Aunt Terrie right after Midnight on the 7th. She said Grandma was having heart trouble and the ambulance was taking her to the hospital. She asked me to please keep trying to call my aunts Jeana and Kathy as she was leaving to follow the ambulance. She asked me to make the calls before I left my apartment in Couer d'Alene and drive the hour long trip to join my family at the hospital in Sandpoint. I did. I made the calls to Kathy and Jeana. After I reached them both and gave them the number to call the hospital directly I got into my little blue Geo Metro and left my apartment. The whole way to Sandpoint I prayed to God that he would save my Grandma. I pleaded with her to "stay strong" and I promised I would see her soon, as if she could hear me. I begged her not to die before I got there to say goodbye.

I arrived at the hospital and rushed inside. I searched the waiting room for my family. There was no one there. I asked the nurse where my family was? She scanned the waiting room and said that they must have all gone home. For the briefest of moments I was elated. They went home... it must mean Grandma was OK. The nurse looked at me sadly and said. " I'm Sorry, your Grandma has expired". I looked at her dumbfounded. "expired? What does that mean?" It suddenly hit my. My Grandma was gone. I started to cry and the nurse took my hand. She asked me if I wanted to see her. They took me past the desk and to a room with big double doors. Grandma was laying very unnaturally on a stretcher type bed. Her neck was straight and her head perfectly sitting even on her shoulders. That was highly unnatural from Grandma because bone spurs in her neck made it very painful for her to straighten her neck out, so she always had her head cocked to one side. I was disturbed by the way she was laying flat on her back. I wanted to cover her up with a thick warm quilt, give her a pillow and help her get comfortable. She had a tiny drop of blood on her lip. I touched her head and her cheek. I touched her hand. She was still warm. It was hard to believe that someone with such warmth in their body still... was gone. I hear my name behind me. It was my Uncle Allen. He had gotten all the way home from the hospital and remembered that I was still on my way. He came back to the hospital in hopes of catching me to tell me himself. I fell into his arms and sobbed. I know whatever he said was comforting but I honestly don't remember what the words were. I got calmed down enough that he thought I could drive. He put me into my car and he got into his. He went home and I went up to my Aunt Terrie's where my Mom and the rest of the family was waiting for me. I sobbed the whole drive there. I remember I was on Boyer street in front on the old Lincoln school and the Mill, I started just beating the steering wheel with my fist and screaming "I'm sorry I didn't get there to say good bye" and "why did you have to die?" I was so angry. ("expired"?!?!?! WTF? My Grandma is NOT a gallon of milk) And so scared. I could not at that moment imagine my life without her. She would never get to see me grow up, get married, have babies. I still needed her. I still need her.

Grandma was the most beautiful wonderful strong women I have ever loved. She was flawed and damaged and made her share of mistakes. She LOVED her children and her grandchildren fiercely. Her relationship with me taught me how to love and parent my children and to be in a strong marriage with Tim. She taught me how to assert myself, have a voice and be heard. She showed me love, unconditional love. My Grandparents were married for ever. I don't know how many year exactly, but more that 30, maybe more than 40, maybe even 50. And while they fought and bickered I saw real love that stood the test of time, poor health, misfortune, but also triumphs and joy. They had staying power. They had mutual respect and love. They grew old together and when he was gone, she wanted to go to. She was resourceful and practical. She taught me to save and use things wisely. But she also taught me that every once in a while a girl needs a nice new dress. She had a quick wit and a beautiful laugh. She loved to sing old country ballads and her favorite Christmas song was "the Drummer Boy". I can still hear her sing "pprrrrumpadum dum". She crotchet beautiful things and always had a project going. I loved her and I miss her terribly. But the best part of missing her is remembering her and kn owning she misses and loves me too.

Maybe this week would have hit me hard regardless of my fertility issues, but with them makes this week so difficult and bittersweet. See in 2003 and then in 2005 I discovered I was pregnant with Jasmyn and then Mason in this first week of November. I felt at those times that even though I missed Grandma terribly that she was sharing in my joy. She loved babies, and I know she would have loved my kids and been so excited to see me pregnant. So finding out I was pregnant during the same week as the anniversary of her death seemed to connect me to her in some way. Maybe just the circle of life. Or maybe because I feel such a motherly connection to her. None the less it was a special time. So this year is a bit different. I am remembering my Grandma on the 11th anniversary of her death and after more than 9 months of actively trying to conceive a child I am still not pregnant. I am just so very sad.

If she were able to hear me I would want to tell her: I miss you. I love you. Every time I eat popcorn, ice cream or drink a Pepsi I think of you. When I cook stroganoff, bake Oatmeal Cookies or make fudge I think of you. Every time I look at my ring that you gave to Tim for me I see your love and commitment to Grandpa and it makes me want to work harder at my marriage. I see you in my daughter's smile and oh how I wish she and my sons could have met you. I am so glad you got to met Tim and approve of him before you died. Thank you for crying with me when my Dad died. You were the only one who knew what to do for me. Above all else, thank you for loving me.

P.S. Oh and if you have any pull with St.Peter could you talk to him about sending a baby to us. Maybe you could help hand pick one for us? We would really love that.

Other People's Business

I want to first start by saying that I have in the past been guilty of what I am about to complain about. Yes, Little Ole' Me has been known to pry into other people's business. I have even gone so far as to state my opinion on their business. Shame on me. And I hereby apologize if you have even been on the receiving end of my prying. Which now clears my minds to go forth and state my opinion on this issue! LOL!

Recently I was at a gathering of friends. Some of these friends are parents, grandparents and some are not. As some of you may be aware from reading this blog that I have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for about 9 months now. So it may be that I am just overly sensitive, but I honestly feel that some lines were crossed of just plain common dignity last night. As in most groups of people, you do not all agree on everything. Some co-sleep, some allow crying it out. Some smoke, so don't. Some are Democrats and some are Republicans. Some like big families, some like small. And that of course are just a few things that we can differ on. The possibilities for disagreements are ENDLESS. In most things people can just agree or disagree and move on. And for most things this is possible. When things get sticky is when you start to disagree or even pry into other people's PERSONAL business.

Since when.... is it polite or even acceptable to question ones form of birth control? I mean unless of course you are the other half of a couple or my Doctor. But since when is it OK to just blatantly ask: When do you plan to get a vasectomy? Do you plan to have more children? WOW! Is all I can say. Are you seriously asking these questions? But perhaps the MOST appalling about it, was the tone. It wasn't like: "Wow your children are so well mannered and beautiful. When are you gonna bless the world by having another?" (LOL!) It was more like.... (looking down your nose) "So when exactly are you gonna get a vasectomy? You don't want to have a (*gasp*) accidental Pregnancy?" Wow. All I can say is WOW, You really have some gall to ask that.

I know that I have opened myself up to scrutiny by posting my personal struggles to conceive here on the web, but I was (perhaps naively) looking for support and love, NOT criticism for making the decisions and even less than that I was NOT looking for someone to question my relationship with Tim. So last night, somehow in the conversation it was brought up that I was wanting to conceive another child. Someone asked me very rudely, "why?" I said with a smile on my face "have you seen how BEAUTIFUL my children are and what a blessing they are? Why wouldn't I want another one?" Then the same someone said in a very direct way "well enough is enough". I not so politely said "well I think that is for Tim and I to decide" to which this person responded, "I think Tim HAS said enough is enough". Wow. Again WOW WOWZA.

Who do you think you are????? I had no idea that Tim was discussing our family size plans with YOU. I had no idea he was consulting with YOU every month for the past 9 (nine, yes 9) that we have been TRYING TO CONCEIVE. @@ (eyes rolling). I am pretty sure *I* have been on the receiving end of those conversations with MY husband. Not YOU. How rude of you to make a statement in which you imply I am FORCING my husband to have another child with me. You speak of what you DO NOT KNOW.

Here are a few etiquette tips that I think even Miss Manners would endorse:

• Don't ask about someones form of Birth Control unless a) you are their sexual partner b) you are their health care professional



• Don't offer your negative opinion of a person's chosen family size unless a)you are one of the parents of said family b)you have been asked to financially support said family c)you have been asked to do midnight feedings or diaper changes on a daily basis for any of the children d)you are paying for their college fund.



• Don't make comments about another person's relationship. Period. You are not in the relationship, you do not know what is happening inside that relationship. You don't get a vote.



• Don't hang out with me and my children if my kids bother you. I can sense your attitude and so can they. It is upsetting to me and my kids see right through you. You look silly. If you want to hang out with just me, then invite me to places I wouldn't bring my kids....To the spa, the bar, to coffee. But if you are at a KIDS birthday party. Guess what.... the kids are gonna be loud, eat too much candy and have melt downs.



• Do compliment parents on how well mannered their children are. Believe me... My kids are well mannered. They say excuse me, your welcome, please and thank you. They cough into their elbows. They don't climb on adults they don't know. They don't even talk to you if you don't talk to them first and act welcoming. They sit at the table and eat politely, they are disciplined and in control. If they step out of line we quickly get them back in line or we leave.



• And lastly, if you have no children of your own.... please please reserve your opinion on someone elses family size to yourself. Trust me, you look really silly passing judgement on someone else when you have NEVER walked in their shoes.

AWWWWW I feel so much better. I got all that off my chest. I am sure I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I didn't name any names because if you made the comments...you know who you are. If you didn't make the comments to me, but you have in the past to someone else.... be warned that if you say something like that to me... You might just be featured in my next blog!

Pumpkins & Apples

We have made a family tradition out of going to Green Bluff. It is an area of farms to the north of us. You can get lots of different things up there. In the past we have picked Pumpkins, Strawberries, and Christmas trees up there. We have gone to the same farm for Pumpkins I think for 3 years in a row. This year we also visited another farm up there to pick Apples. It was a new and exciting experience for the kids. And we are all about new experiences, especially ones as cool as picking a real apple from the tree, taking the apple home, peeling, coring and then making applesauce to eat. Or an Apple pie. But more on that later.

First the pumpkin patch!

Now at the farm we visit they usually have lots of activities like a corn maze, train ride, and big inflatable slide (yeah nothing says "Harvest" like a big huge inflatable slide. LOL). But we went during the week since Tim's work schedule is a bit crazy these days. So none of the regular activities were available. But it turned out just fine since it pushed us to explore another farm and pick apples instead.

So we arrived at the pumpkin patch and selected a wheel barrow to carry our kids...er I mean Pumpkins!

Then we began our hunt for the perfect pumpkins.

Mason mostly just wondered around and played in the dirt.

Jasmyn & Mason tried to make "sandcastles". No moats, but they sure did get DIRTY!

We called Mason "Pig Pen" for awhile there...

Then we propped the Camera up on a bin of Pumpkins and got a family picture.

I love the self timer on my camera!

Then we headed back to pay for our pumpkins and stopped along the way for a photos.

Kaleb is getting so Big!

Next we drove down the road a bit and found an orchard full of Apples. At the main entrance to the apples they had these cute red wagons and a pumpkin patch set up.

So we took this cute picture of the kids.

Then it was off to pick apples. Some of the apples were high up in the tree. With no ladders in sight we decided to improvise. Tim put Jasmyn on his shoulders first. But she like her Mom is afraid of heights. So she wanted DOWN right away, hence the no pictures of her. LOL! But the boys were more daring!

Kaleb

Mason

Once our apples were picked we loaded the apples and the kids up and headed back to pay for them.

Kaleb wanted to walk. Good thing since there was no more room in the wagon.

When we got home I realized I had a big box of apples and no clue on how to put them up. The kids wanted to just eat them, but I feared that they would go bad before we could consume them. So I called my Mom. She recently made applesauce with a group of ladies from her church. She happily agreed to come help me. I foolishly thought we could just peel and core the apples by hand. Mom agreed and started working straight away. She had half a big bowl peeled cored and sliced when I joined her. I peeled about 4 apples and thought.... there has to be a better way! LOL! So after spending some time looking around we found an apple peeler, corer, slicer at the local hardware store. That thing works so slick! And thankfully the kids LOVED doing it. Tim and the kids peeled the rest of the apples. Here is Mason and Tim working diligently!

Applying the apple to the contraption

Peeling, coring and slicing all in one!

If you ever decide to pick apples and want to borrow our peeler, let me know! It works awesome with minimal waste. Mom and I made 1 batch of applesauce and a batch of apple butter. I am nervous that I over spiced the apple butter, but only time will tell. The applesauce is wonderful. I also made a pie! It was the most beautiful pie I have ever created. I went to go get my camera and while I was doing that Mason decided to "taste" the pie. Yeah. Finger holes in my perfect golden brown crust. He did say "yummy mommy", so I did have to forgive him! LOL! But I did not take a picture! *sigh* at least I know it was perfect!

Abygail Elizabeth

Abygail Elizabeth was born on October 16, 2008 to my cousin Brent and his wife Emily and their son Micah. Abygail Elizabeth weighed in at 7 pounds, 8ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long.

She has very long toes!

A Doting Dad
An ecstatic Mom
She seems pretty happy with her family!
Congratulations Brent, Emily & Micah!

Welcome to our family and the world Abygail Elizabeth.

We have been waiting for you!