9 years

Happy 9th Anniversary, Tim! I love you so much!

Just thought we should take a trip down memory lane.....

We look so in love. I'm so glad you STILL look at me like that!

The Kiss! I wish you were home to lay one on me right now!

Our "Officiant" Kathy!

9 years and I would do it all again in a heartbeat!
He only got a little frosting on my face!
These photos say so much about us. We still are in love. We still love to kiss and we still use humor and laughter to make it through! I am so glad that TODAY after all these short years and 3 kids later that we can say "I love you" with the same and probably deeper emotion as we did on our wedding day 9 years ago!

I love you baby!

Crystal part 2

Here is the continuation of Crystal's story. Updates 7-12

Wed, 10 Dec 2008 10:47pm

Hi all~

I have a new favorite person in the world. Her name is Ester and she is a nurse taking care of Crystal. She saved Crystal's life tonight.

Ester walked into Crystal's room to check on her. Crystal was non responsive. She did the sternum rub a few times and Crystal did not respond. Ester did some sort of blood draw to check PH and CO2 levels. Before the test results were in Ester made the decision to intubate Crystal and put her on a ventilator. Crystals stats came back up right away and she was responding to Ester in an appropriate fashion.

Once the results were back it was shown that her PH level and Co2 levels were incompatible with life. Had Ester not intubated her at that time, Crystal would have needed chest compressions and other life saving measures.

Now that Crystal is on the ventilator her lungs will be forced to fully expand and exchange gases more effectively. The nurses will also be able to suction her lungs more deeply. That in turn will help fight the pneumonia. Additionally this will allow Crystal to rest and fight the infection instead of fighting for her next breath.

Keep praying for Crystal. And pray that Ester is blessed for her actions. I know she was doing her job, but I don't believe in coincidences. She walked in the room at the right time to serve Crystal and save her life.

Thu, 11 Dec 2008 11:10am

Hi All~
It's me again taking a few minutes to update you on Crystal. I will try to be short winded since Uncle Tod thinks I am too wordy! LOL! I think he has a short attention span!

I spoke to Crystal's nurse as well as Diane this morning. Crystal is doing well. They ran some tests on her lungs this morning and she only has a small pocket of fluid left in there. The Ventilator and the suctioning they are doing is working! We are so thankful for that.

She also has some improvement in her left leg. She can actually feel it tingle and is able to move it some. It seems the ventilator was the ticket to get her over the hurdle. She still has a long recovery ahead of her but she is making small improvements. And hey we will be thankful for that!

Thanks to Marion and David who took Diane out last night for dinner and a little break after a visit with Crystal. Diane was grateful for the break and I appreciate you for doing that.

Keep praying. It is working!
Love ya~Jen
PS ~ Uncle Tod, did I put you to sleep? Or did I keep your attention! LOL! All my love! Jen


Fri, 12 Dec 2008 1:35pm

Hi all~

I spoke to the nurse this morning. Crystal is doing well. She is slowly making improvements in her ability to move and have sensation in her arms and legs. She is able to move her left foot a bit more than yesterday. We are thankful for her small steps towards recovery. She is also getting some function back to her bowels.

The Dr is going to do a procedure this afternoon at some point to remove some fluid from an area of collapse in her right lung. They are hoping that once the fluid is gone she will begin to move air through that are of her lungs more effectively.

Crystal is still in isolation and you are required to gown up before entering her room. They are still allowing visitors as far as I know. Some of you have asked about sending flowers or what not. I think that as long as she is in ICU that flowers balloons etc are not allowed. I will let you know once she has transitioned out of ICU and can receive gifts. I will find out at the next call into her nurse what the mailing address is if anyone wants to send a get well card. Keep praying!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 07:00am

Good morning! I spoke to Crystal's nurse today. Let's just say not all the nurses on the ICU floor are nice and informative. LOL!

What I did drag out of him is that Crystal is stable. Her vital are normal and her condition has not changed much since yesterday. They are keeping her fever down and her pain level managed. Yesterday the Dr did a procedure to remove the pocket of fluid out of her right lung. The procedure went well. They took another chest x-ray this morning, but the Dr has yet to round and interpret the film. I will call back in a few hours to get the information from the Dr. and hopefully shift change will bring a more informative nurse!

If you would like to send Crystal a Get Well card please send it to:

St. Joseph Regional Medical Center
ICU Floor
Attn: Patient Crystal (email me for her last name)
415 6th Street
Lewiston,Idaho 83501

Thanks!

Sat, 13 Dec 2008 6:03pm

Hi all~

I just got a call from Cyell and she said that they have taken Crystal off the Ventilator!!!!! And she is breathing well on her own!

Also Crystal is experiencing pain in both her legs. That is good news, even if it is pain. At least she can feel her legs.

I will check in with the Nurse in a few hours and see how she is doing!.

Keep praying... It's working!

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 10:30am

Hi All~

I called and spoke to Diane Crystal's Mom. She said that Crystal is doing very well. She is breathing very well on her own. They are feeding her Ensure through the tube in her nose and she is digesting that well. So that means her bowel and bladder have function now. She is drinking fluids by mouth.

And when the PT lady came in Crystal was able to kick her hand with her left foot! That is just awesome!!!! Crystal is still in isolation and you still have to gown up to see her. Diane said she is being her normal cranky self! You know... she is being the Crystal we all know and love!!!! I am sure the next step will be for her to be moved to regular floor for care. But no news yet on when that will happen.

Thanks for your prayers!

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That brings us up to date. I will post more of the story as it unfolds! Keep praying. Crystal needs it!

Crystal part 1

I have mentioned before that Crystal (Tim's sister) was in the hospital. I have been sending out updates as to her condition. I figure the easiest way to share the story is to copy my emails and you can read the story as we saw it unfold. And as it continues to unfold. Here are the first 6 updates!


Mon 12/08/08 8:13 PM

Hi all~

We just got a call from a family friend that Tim's sister is in the hospital in Lewiston, ID. We are on our way to go and see her. She is having emergency surgery on a cyst in her spinal cord as I type. I am bringing my laptop with me in hopes the hospital has wifi. I will update as I can. Send a prayer up.

Tue 12/09/08 12:35 AM

Hi all~

I wanted to give everyone an update as I got information about Crystal. So here is the first update:

Crystal had been having migraines and neck pain for a few days prior to today. She went to the ER and they treated her symptoms. Last night at 3am she lost feeling and use of her arms and legs. Her boyfriend Scott called for an ambulance. When she arrived at the hospital she could not move her arms or legs at all nor did she have feeling in them. The local hospital did a CAT scan and found fluid in and around her neck and upper spine. She was sent to Lewiston to the hospital (I think they specialize in spinal and brain injuries). Once in Lewsiton the Dr. diagnosed her with an abcess/infection in her spinal cord and decided they would do surgery to clean the area. They made an incision 4-6 inches long in her neck and down her spine. They drained the abcess of pus and fluid and cleaned the area. They removed some bone and tissue as well as fuse a few vertebrae together.
They will be culturing the infection to determine what the infection as or came from. She is also being treated with a high doses of a very wide spectrum antibiotic. The Dr thinks they will be some permanent nerve damage. The nerve damage was caused by the abcess cutting off blood and oxygen supply to the nerve endings in the spinal cord. She may or may not recover from that damage.

Currently Crystal is resting. She does not want to be alone so Tim and Scott (her boyfriend) and I will be taking turns sitting with her. She is on pain meds, but still is awake and comes in and out quite easily. She really is frightened and is fighting sleep. She can at this point feel her hands and she even squeezed my fingers. The nurse said she also can move her feet a bit.

In the coming days she is at risk of:

* The infection coming back ~but they are treating this with antibiotics already
* Bleeding at the surgery sight. Blood loss at the spinal cord are is dangerous (that is hat the nurse said. I am not sure why it is dangerous. I will find out)
* As the tissues around the surgery site swell she may loss feeling again and it may or may not come back.
* The next 48 hrs will be telling on how she will recover. The nurse said "she is not out of the woods yet"

Long term

* The drs and nurses are hopeful that she will recover, but none of them has said she will be 100%. All have stated she has a LLLOOOONNNGGGG recovery ahead of her.


Tim and I plan to stay long enough to speak to the Dr before going home tomorrow. The Dr will be rounding at some point tomorrow between his surgery schedule and such. I have started a list of questions for the Dr. If you want me to ask him anything or you can think of something I should ask, please text it to me or call and leave it on my voicemail. I carry my cell with me everywhere, but not sure if I will have time to log back on tomorrow very often. The hospital has set us up with a hotel room across the street at no charge. So we will be staying there, that is if we actually get any sleep tonight.

Thank you to my Mom, Dave and Mandie for taking on my kids on such short notice. Thanks to Clare and Dale for offering us a place to stay in Moscow. Thanks to Roselyn for taking care of my cats and mail while we are gone.

Thank you to Vanesaa and Sara for calling to check on us and giving us words of encouragement. It is awesome to have such wonderful family and friends to lean on in time of crisis. Send a prayer up for Crystal to not have any bleeding and minimal swelling at her incision site. Also pray that the antibiotics work to kill the infection. And send a huge prayer up that Crystal will heal from all her nerve damage and will be whole again. Crystal has 3 girls at home. Ashley Melody and Hanna. Pray for the girls as they go through this huge period of adjustment. Thank you all so much and I will update as I can.


Tue 12/09/08 8:33 AM

Hi all~
We arrived at the hospital this morning and Crystal did fine overnight. Her muscle tone and sensation in her arms and legs is the same as it was last night. The nurse did express some concern about her breathing. Apparently she is having trouble expelling CO2. They have started some breathing treatments and will also be adding a machine that vibrates her chest (can't remember what it is called) to help keep her lungs clear. Overall Crystal seems a bit worse for wear than yesterday. She is not quite as alert and her speech is more slurred. We expected that to happen just because the day after a surgery is often the hardest day. The nurse was glad to see her feeling and muscle tone stay the same. I am sure over the next few days we will know more. The nurse also said that the Dr. may be up this morning. The nurses last night said he might not be here till this afternoon. I will let you know more as soon as I speak to him.

I also wanted to mention the clinical name for what Crystal has, in case anyone out there wants to Google it. She has an Epidural Abcess Infection. Here is a site that explains it a bit better than I could: http://www.emedicine.com/EMERG/topic168.htm

Thanks for your continued prayers!


Tue 12/09/08 2:53 PM

Hi all~
I was able to speak to the Dr that did Crystal's surgery a few minutes ago. Please forgive me if this is kinda jumbled around. I am very tired. But I did takes notes so hopefully I won't forget anything.

The Dr thinks that the Infection originated from either an infected spider bite, an infected Burn, or an abcess she had on her tooth. She complained of all 3 of these things within the last few weeks. Once the infection got into her blood stream from one or more of those initial infections it settled in the muscle of her neck. Then it worked itself into the epidural space of her spinal cord. They are culturing the bacteria from the infection as well as blood, urine and fluid from her lungs. The cultures will take 1-2 days to come back. Once they determine the specific infections or infections they will be putting her on a specific antibiotic to fight that specific infection. At this point she is one a wide spectrum antibiotic that covers lots of different bugs. They suspect it is staph, but have to confirm that with the cultures.

They are concerned about her breathing. She is retaining fluid in one of her lungs and the concern is that she will develop or already has developed pneumonia (I probably spelled that wrong). They are giving her breathing treatments, as well as breathing exercises to help her move the air better in her lungs. The reason she is having such trouble is that the infection has caused some nerve damage to the nerves that signal the muscles in her chest to help her breathing (I think he said they were called intercostal muscles) At any rate they are not working properly and so she is having difficulty breathing effectively and expanding her lungs fully. In addition to the breathing treatments they are also using a percussion device to help loosen the fluid in her lungs. She is also having her lungs suctioned every 4 hrs. And as I left her room the nurse was trying to find a special bed that vibrates to help loosen the fluid in her lungs as well. If they are unable to get the breathing improved then she will be placed on a ventilator to breath for her.

I misspoke before when I said they removed bone from her spine. They did not. Her neck is stable in that the bone structure is fine at this point. The infection is just in the epidural space and the surround muscle tissue at this point. The major issue with the spine is the loss of blood supply. As the spine swells due to the infection it can constrict the blood vessels supplying blood to the spinal cord and nerves. Without a blood supply the nerve can die or be damaged. The dr wanted to stress to us that even though the infection is getting better the inflammation may cause more nerve damage during the healing process. She is not out of the woods.

Tomorrow they will start physical therapy as well as Occupational therapy and get her more mobile. But the nurse says it will be more just moving her around in bed since she cannot walk or even sit up on her own. She does have increase feeling in her whole body. That is an improvement from last night and even this morning. The Dr was happy about that but said that if the inflammation increases she may lose some of that again. It may or may not return. He is also worried about her left leg. It seems to be the weakest of all her extremities.

Keep praying for her. Also Diane's flight has been delayed by 2 hrs. So that puts us home later than we had planned. For right now I am going back to the housing facility and taking a nap. The ICU nurses have kicked everyone out of Crystal's room for the next few hours so she can sleep. So we are all gonna try to get some sleep as well. The nurses have my phone number if something comes up with Crystal. I am only 5 minutes away. That is all for now. Love ya~ Jen


Tue 12/09/08 8:10 PM

Hi all~

It is me again. Here to update you again on Crystal. Her Mom arrived finally after a delayed flight. But she is here now and is getting settled into the housing facility. She has had visitors coming and going all day.

I checked in with the Dr. and the nurses around 6:30ish. The Dr is still mostly concerned that she is not moving air well and retaining too much co2. Crystal is on a special percussion bed that moves her around from side to side and helps loosen the mucous in her lungs. They are still suctioning her every 4 hrs or more. She is in quite a bit of pain and the percussion bed is quite painful for her. Every 2 hrs they come in and turn the bed on Percussion mode and it shakes her around for about 10minutes. It is VERY Painful. We have requested that they coincide the percussion treatments with a dose of pain meds.

Tim and I are planning to go home in an hour or less (hopefully). I have the direct line to the nurses station and will be calling in a few times a day to get updates from the nurses as well as Diane. I will pass the info on to you as I get it. There is other family that will be checking in on Crystal over the next few days. Tim & I will come back over the weekend as long as Crystal's condition continues to improve. If something comes up we may be back sooner.

I spoke with Ryan today and he has all 3 girls with him. He will keep them at his home until Crystal is better. The girls are doing well. They do know what is going on with Crystal. They want to speak to her and see her. Crystal and Ryan spoke today about a plan for that to happen. I don't know what it entails for sure, but I know that the girls best interests are being taken onto consideration. I applaud Crystal and Ryan for their parenting skills and ability to work together despite their recent divorce and the current set of circumstances.

Alrighty. I am gonna get off here and try to make our way back top Spokane. I will send out another update in the morning. Love you~Jen


Wed 12/10/08 1:10 PM

Hi all~
I called the Hospital a few minuted ago and got an update from Crystal's nurse. The cultures from her abcess came back. The bacteria is MRSA. Google MRSA if you don't know what it is. My short version is MRSA is a penicillin resistant strain of Staph infection. Yeah. YIKES. Crystal is currently on 4 different antibiotics to try to fight the MRSA. Because of the contagious nature of MRSA she is also in isolation now. Anyone going into her room must gown up and wear gloves. Visitors are limited.

Her breathing continues to be a concern. She does have pneumonia in her right lower lobe of her lung. The 2 factors contributing to this infection are nerve damage that tells her innercostals to breathe and her diaphragm to cough. Because of this nerve damage the muscles (innercostals) that help her lungs expand fully are not working effectively. Due to her lung not expanding fluid and mucous is building up in her lung creating a moist wet place for pneumonia to grow. Coupled with her diaphragm not effectively working to help her cough up the mucous and fluid she has developed pneumonia. The Nurse mentioned (again) that they may but her on a ventilator to help her exchanges gases more effectively while they treat the pneumonia. We are still waiting to hear what the Drs order on that.

Her feeling and sensation is still about the same. She is still able to move her hands and her rt leg but her left leg is still not moving at all. This is a concern. The Nurse felt that the left leg and the lung issues may be related to the same nerve path. He mentioned she may or may not get the function back in these 2 areas fully.

Please continue to pray and send up good thoughts for Crystal, her girls and the rest of our loved ones as we watch her journey through this illness.


Wed 12/10/08 7:13 PM

Hi all~

I just called an talked to the nurse again that is caring for Crystal. I got a bit more information. Since Crystal has been in St. Joes she has had a tube going through her nasal passage and into her stomach. I understood that it was to suction the fluids and acids out of her stomach. While that is correct, the reason why they need to remove the stomach fluids is because she has no bowel tones. Her bowel and bladder are effected by the paralysis. It is unknown whether that will improve.

Her movement and sensation has not changed from what I reported earlier. She is still having breathing difficulties. She is now on Bipap. The Bipap helps her exchange gases more easily. Read this link for more info on bipap: http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-bipap.htm The nurse said they are trying the Bipap to see if they can avoid the ventilator. The nurse also said she seems a bit more sleepy today. And she is still running a fever.

Pray that the antibiotics they are using will fight the MRSA and that she will get some reduction in swelling in her abcess. She needs the swelling to be reduced so that no more nerve damage is done to her spinal cord and hopefully she will begin to get movement and function back to her body.

I will update again in the morning.

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My (detailed) experience having a HSG

Well I had my HSG done last week. It is surprising how long ago it feels. So much has happened in the past 7 days that I almost forgot about blogging about it. But then Crystal asked me about it and I remembered I should blog about it. Ironically enough, the reason I forgot about the HSG is because of Crystal. Last Monday only 4 hours after my HSG we got a call that Crystal was in the hospital. She has quite literally been fighting for her life since then. Thankfully she is doing better and is stable. But I will write more about that situation in another post.

The HSG:

When I arrived at radiology I was really nervous. Tim went with me, but I was still nervous and scared and had lots of anxiety about the procedure, if it would hurt, what the results might bring, how it effects our trying to conceive journey. I had a lot on my mind. Tim tried his hardest to make me laugh, hold my hand, be supportive. He did great and I appreciate his efforts even if they annoyed me at the time. LOL!

We checked in, and the nurse called us back to a smaller waiting room. Not sure why we couldn't have waited in the bigger waiting room, but whatever. She talked to us about the $ end of it, has us sign papers and consent forms and discussed the risks of the HSG. (mostly just risk of infection since they are going up into your uterus) After the proper paperwork we were brought back to the room. It was a big long table that had an x-ray machine thing over it. A different nurse explained where to get undressed, where I would lay, how the Dr would be standing, basically the logistics of the HSG. We asked if Tim could stay with me during the procedure. She said she would have to ask the Dr. She left. I got undressed and redressed in this enormous gown. And that is saying alot about how big this gown was since I am not a small woman. LOL! I swear it was as big as a circus tent! LOL! But I guess that is better than too small.

I came out of the dressing room/bathroom and the nurse was back and said that Tim could stay (yay!). She gave him a lead apron and then helped him strap into it. She instructed me to get on the table. The Dr came in and spoke to me while I was seated. He eased y fears and told me it wasn't gonna hurt. I was nervous about the tube going through my cervix because I had to have a uterine biopsy before Kaleb was born, where they dilated my cervix and it hurt worse than labor! He assured me that since I had 3 babies come through my cervix that it would not hurt. I was so glad that he was right! So after he got me all calmed down I laid down on the table. Then I had to "assume the position". Ladies you know what I am talking about, right? Where you spread your legs open, scoot your butt all the way to the edge of the table and balance your feet on little tiny pegs. Lovely. Thankfully I was covered with a nice warm blanket during all the scooting and subsequent talking and trying to find equipment.

Yes I laid there spread eagle albeit covered with a blanket while the Dr and nurse discussed whether or not they needed the long thingy with the circle on the end (WTF????) It was hilarious because even the Dr didn't know the proper name and admitted it. So the nurse was trying to figure it out and then they called another nurse in to check. LOL! Tim was holding my hand and we were talking about ceiling tiles and counting dots by this point! Needless to say, they did not find the long thingy with the circle on it and it turned out we didn't need it. Honestly I was thankful, because it didn't sound pleasant to have a long thingy with a circle on it going anywhere near my girlie bits! LOL!

Dr then washed me down with iodine. He then inserted the speculum. He asked the nurse to turn the light on. I was waiting for an overhead light to come on. I heard the click and the Dr say thank you, but no illumination from where I could see. Then it occurred to me.... I asked "Dr do you have a flashlight in my vagina?" He chuckled and said yes. Then he click, click, clicked the thing open. Yes ladies the dreaded click click click as you feel your vagina stretching and this ungodly pressure on your rectum.

Then he used a swab and washed the inside of my and my cervix with iodine (I think it was iodine. could have been something else) to prevent introducing infection into my uterus. This is the part that I just hate. I hate it when anyone/thing touches my cervix. It has the weirdest sensation and kinda makes me queasy. I really think that is why your cervix is inside. We were not meant to touch it!

After I was all clean (lol) he put the catheter inside to deliver the contrast dye. The tube felt cold going through my cervix. I breathed a sigh of relief as it passed into my uterus painlessly. I started cramping as the tube entered the uterus. He inflated the balloon that was going to hold the catheter in place. He then click click click released the speculum and removed it from my vagina. He also removed the flashlight as well! (Tim later told me the flashlight was built into the speculum! LOL!) He then had me slide up from the bottom of the table so that I was positioned closer to the x-ray machine. He moved the table below me around and the x-ray machine around until I was in position. He moved the computer screen so that Tim and I could see what the Dr saw and so that Tim could still hold my hand. After everything was situated turned the x-ray machine one. I should say it is a live x-ray where you can watch it in real time. He made a few minor adjustments and then wanted to adjust the actual catheter. He needed the balloon to be positioned at the neck of my uterus plugging the opening of my cervix so that when the dye was injected it would pool and go into the tubes rather than just drain out my cervix. Dr pulled slightly down on the catheter and you could see the balloon on the screen create a seal at the cervix. He slowly injected the dye. It felt cold and made me cramp more. Not unbearable, but certainly like there was something going on it my uterus. Almost immediately we could see the left tube fill up with dye and it spill out around my left ovary. The left side was completely open and functioning properly. Next he had me move around from side to side to get the dye to go to the right side. We could see on the screen where the tube just stopped. A blunt blockage. We tried for several minutes to get the dye to go through the right side, but it was totally blocked.

The Dr was satisfied that we had given it the best effort we could. He deflated the balloon and slowly withdrew the catheter. A bunch of the dye came out with the catheter. It was sticky and thick like syrup. I sat up and the Dr said that even though 1 tube was closed that the left is open and I still should be able to get pregnant.

After that I got up, got dressed and we left. I really didn't know what to think about the whole thing. I needed time to think. Tim & I went to lunch and talked about everything else but the results of the HSG. I think we were both overwhelmed. We ran a few errand and then picked the kids up from my Mom. When we got home Tim started making dinner for the kids and I did what any normal woman does when under stress..... I started cleaning! LOL! I cleaned out my closet, put away all the kids laundry, sorted through my entire wardrobe and even got a bag ready for Goodwill donation. LOL! Tim thought for sure I was crazy. Honestly I think he was more frustrated that he had to cook and feed the kids by himself.

Just as I was finishing up was when we got the call that Crystal was in the hospital and we needed to go to her as soon as possible. So we did. And I honestly haven't given the HSG much more thought. We spent a day or so in the hospital with her and then when we got back it was rush rush rush to get the things done that got delayed, meetings to go to, Tim working extra hours to make up for the time he missed, etc... And honestly when faced with losing a sister, our problems with fertility rightfully took a back seat. We have been focused on calling the hospital for updates, keeping family informed of her status and also supporting Crystal and Diane (Tim & Crystal's Mom) from afar.

So here I am, 1 week later. Crystal is doing well. Diane is flying home tomorrow. Life is getting calmer. And I now have time to think about my HSG and how it will effect my ability to get pregnant. So here is where I should have something profound to say, or definitive. ummm errrrr, ugh. Well I got NOTHING.

We are still trying. We don't know for how long we will try.

We are discouraged. And yes I do know that 1 tube is better than none.

I mainly wrote all of this out so that I wouldn't forget the details. And I know that some of you want to know the gory details. But most of all, I just wanted to let everyone know what the results were and how I was feeling.

Anyone got any insight they want to share?

For the bargain basement price of $637

Yup that is right... by traveling 22 miles over to CDA I can get the HSG done for $637 bucks compared to the $1200 at our local hospital. Oh and the scheduler had pity on me and got me scheduled for THIS MONDAY!!!!!! See you have to have the HSG done prior to ovulation. They like to schedule the tests for days 9-12 of your cycle counting from the first day of your period. Luckily they had a spot open on Monday since I am on day 8 of my cycle right now!

Oh and the imaging center over in CDA allows you to make a payment on the day of service and then gives you 90 days to pay the rest. If you can't pay it in 90 days then they offer payment plans. I am fairly sure we can pay it off within 90 days, since I am working a few extra days in December and January.

So all systems are a go!!!!!

Now off to find someone online or IRL that has had the HSG done. I need to know how bad it is gonna be. The idea of a tech inserting a tube inside and through my closed cervix is not all that appealing. Yikes. But hey, it can't hurt worse than natural childbirth!

HSG?

So after my mini breakdown over my whole TTC journey from yesterday, I decided to call my Dr. again. I spoke with my midwife from my OB's office. V and I discussed a few things about my infertility. She listened to me answered my questions and they told me she would consult with Dr. M. and then call me back. After their meeting of the minds V called me and said she thought I was ovulating. Here is why:

• My fertility charts look good. I have a clear thermal shift that coincides with cervical fluid and also cervical position.
• I have typical hormonal changes that are indicated by sore breasts, skin breakouts, headaches, moodiness and cravings. In other words all those PMS symptoms actually indicate that your hormones ARE working! LOL!
• My period arrives on time based on my thermal shift and charts. I have had a "regular"period for the past 5 months.

So I asked V if I could be gearing up to ovulate and not actually be releasing an egg. She said No because if I did not release the egg my period would be late or not arrive at all. So regular period that occur after a thermal shift in my chart indicates that I am ovulating.

I also asked her about the Metformin and whether it was true that it takes 6-8 months for the medication to regulate your cycles to help promote a pregnancy. She felt that in some women this was true, but in my case we have my charts that show my cycles are regular and I am Ovulating. It seems that the benefits of the Metformin have already happened.

The next step was to look at Tim. I won't go into details, but everything with him checks out fine. Lots of perfect forward moving swimmers! LOL!

So Dr M. and V said that if sperm is OK, egg is being released then something is preventing them from meeting up. This could be 2 things:

• Intercourse is not being timing appropriately.

Or

• Something inside of my uterus or fallopian tubes is blocking the passageway for sperm to swim up to meet egg.

Tim & I feel that our timing has been appropriate. We have had intercourse 1 to 2 days leading up to ovulation including the day of ovulation. This timing has been pretty consistent for the past few months and we are still not pregnant. I agree that timing is a huge issue when trying to get pregnant, which is why in large part I chart my cycles to pinpoint when I am at my peak fertility.

Dr. M and V agree that our timing is probably NOT the problem considering I have charted before and gotten pregnant 5 other times (2 miscarriages) using the same methods and timing. Which brings us back to an HSG or hysterosalpingogram.

Here is what webmd.com had to say about an HSG:

A hysterosalpingogram (HSG) is an x-ray test that looks at the inside of the
uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them. It often is done for women who are having a hard time becoming pregnant (infertile).

During a hysterosalpingogram, a dye (contrast material) is put through a thin tube that is put through the vagina and into the uterus. Because the uterus and the fallopian tubes are hooked together, the dye will flow into the fallopian tubes. Pictures are taken using a steady beam of X-ray as the dye passes through the uterus and fallopian tubes.
The pictures can show problems such as an injury or abnormal structure of the
uterus or fallopian tubes, or a blockage that would prevent an
egg moving through a fallopian tube to the uterus. A blockage also could prevent sperm from moving into a fallopian tube and joining (fertilizing) an egg. A
hysterosalpingogram also may find problems on the inside of the uterus that
prevent a fertilized egg from attaching (implanting) to the uterine
wall.

The most common reason a fallopian tube is blocked is a previous surgery that causes scarring. I have never had any previous surgeries on my uterus or fallopian tubes . This risk factor does not apply to me. There is also the possibility that the fallopian tubes are not blocked structurally, but blocked with fluid/mucous that prevents the sperm from swimming through to reach the egg. Sometimes the act of just pushing the dye through the tube during the HSG will basically roto root the fluid blockage out of the way allowing passage of sperm to met egg. So even if I do not have a blockage that is seen on the x-ray, the HSG itself may be the treatment we need to successfully conceive a child.

The reason we have opted not to have the procedure done before now is honestly the money. An HSG is not covered by Insurance. The HSG is considered elective because infertility is not life threatening condition. Our local hospital charges $900 to $1200 to have the procedure done and it must be paid up front. And of course with 3 kids at home and living on Tim's income we just don't have that kind of money lying around. Nor would we put ourselves in debt to have the procedure done considering the state of the economy and our own financial position.

When I brought this issue up to V she suggested I shop around for pricing on the procedure. Our local hospital apparently is one of the most expensive places to have the procedure done and has the most limited payment plans. V said that once I find a hospital or radiologist that is willing to do the procedure and we have the fund to pay for it, she will order the test where ever it works best for us. She is even willing to leave the notes in my chart and order the test up to 6 months from now without me having to be seen by her again! These concessions she offered us are huge!

I have a friend who has had an HSG done in Sandpoint. She said that the HSG is less expensive at the hospital there by about half. So I will be calling around to the outlining area hospitals to check pricing and payment plans. If payment plans are not an option we will probably just have to wait until March when we get our tax return back. Then we could pay for it all at once.

The only other issue is that the HSG might be the end of the road for us with our TTC journey. If there is a blockage that is structural, the options for treatment leading to conception are limited and very expensive. And most options are outside of what we would agree to anyway considering we are trying to conceive our 4th child.

I have some work to do within my self before I commit to the HSG. I need to be prepared for the possibility that it may end our journey, before I undergo the HSG. If you think about us, send up some thoughts and prayers for guidance and peace making this decision. Thanks!

Couch Stuff

Yup it is that time again. Where I pour my heart and soul out for all the readers to see! LOL! I just don't know who to really even talk to about this stuff. So I blog about it and then it seems that my mind is free to move past it. So yes this blog is kinda like free therapy. But please feel free to comment and or email me your thoughts.

So my period started last week after a very promising looking chart. Tim & I gave it our very best efforts and we still are not pregnant. Timing was perfect, everything checks out with Tim, my charts look great and we put in LOTS of effort. But I still got my period. I am very sad about it.

I allowed myself a few days to mope and to process my feelings of sadness. But still I was depressed and upset about the period thing. I needed to explore the reasons why having a baby are so important to me. And that is a complicated question.

Why does anyone want children or a child? I don't really have an answer except to say that it is a desire deep within myself. I am a good mother, a capable mother. I take alot of joy in being a mother and I think my children benefit from having me as their mother. I want to pass my legacy and my life's work (which ironically enough, may just be my ability to mother and be a wife, friend, etc. LOL) on to someone else. It is a way to continue my family line, etc...But beyond that I don't have a big earth shattering revelation.

So in this journey I tried to also remember what it was like to have a newborn. I tried to remember how I handled having 3 babies when Mason was born. And THAT was when I came to my big earth shattering revelation.... I really don't remember alot. Now don't get me wrong. I remember the births of my children. I remember their sweet faces. I remember their distinct cries and the sounds of their voices. But what I don't remember is the day in day out stuff. I especially don't remember very much about Jasmyn's first year of life. I look at pictures of her and I don't necessarily remember what was happening at that time or the essence of that moment. At least not with the intensity that I remember Kaleb & Mason at the same age. I think that honestly the reason why I don't have intense memory of her is because I was suffering from undiagnosed Post Partum depression (PPD). I remember being sad alot. I remember feeling unable to cope. I remember stress and unhappiness.

I did not start taking medicine for my PPD until Mason was 8 mos old. Now looking back I see how unhealthy I was and how unhappy I made my family and myself by not getting help sooner. And that is also why I don't have solid memories of Jasmyn and Masons infancy. I was just so busy trying to survive that I did not imprint any memories of how I managed the first months of my children's lives. It is actually quite sad. Well... I feel sad about that.

Now that I am treating my PPD with medication and I am healthy I know what I missed. I am trying to make each moment count with my kids from here on out, and I do have lots of time left with them I know. And Mason really is still a baby. But I know that part of the reason I want to have another baby is because my feelings about this issue. It is almost like I want a "do-over". I know that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Especially if you consider my "do-over" would be a living breathing, needing a college fund, person. And as most Moms know, once I have this child I will "fail" in some way, regardless. There is no "perfect" parent or childhood. We are human and we make mistakes. I may screw up worst with this (hypothetical) child that with the ones before.

Another revelation I had was how awesome my birth experience was with Mason. I got to experience childbirth in a way that most women just don't get to. I birthed him at home with my children and family surrounding me. There is nothing cooler than that. I still get a big smile on my face and a rush of endorphins every time I tell or even think about his birth story. I would LOVE to have that experience again.

I know the ONLY people that can judge whether or not these reasons are "enough"is Tim and I. And I don't need anyone to validate my desire to have a child. But maybe what I need is some strategies to work through these reasons. If I don't ever get pregnant again will I forever be struggling with these issues?