Couch Stuff

Yup it is that time again. Where I pour my heart and soul out for all the readers to see! LOL! I just don't know who to really even talk to about this stuff. So I blog about it and then it seems that my mind is free to move past it. So yes this blog is kinda like free therapy. But please feel free to comment and or email me your thoughts.

So my period started last week after a very promising looking chart. Tim & I gave it our very best efforts and we still are not pregnant. Timing was perfect, everything checks out with Tim, my charts look great and we put in LOTS of effort. But I still got my period. I am very sad about it.

I allowed myself a few days to mope and to process my feelings of sadness. But still I was depressed and upset about the period thing. I needed to explore the reasons why having a baby are so important to me. And that is a complicated question.

Why does anyone want children or a child? I don't really have an answer except to say that it is a desire deep within myself. I am a good mother, a capable mother. I take alot of joy in being a mother and I think my children benefit from having me as their mother. I want to pass my legacy and my life's work (which ironically enough, may just be my ability to mother and be a wife, friend, etc. LOL) on to someone else. It is a way to continue my family line, etc...But beyond that I don't have a big earth shattering revelation.

So in this journey I tried to also remember what it was like to have a newborn. I tried to remember how I handled having 3 babies when Mason was born. And THAT was when I came to my big earth shattering revelation.... I really don't remember alot. Now don't get me wrong. I remember the births of my children. I remember their sweet faces. I remember their distinct cries and the sounds of their voices. But what I don't remember is the day in day out stuff. I especially don't remember very much about Jasmyn's first year of life. I look at pictures of her and I don't necessarily remember what was happening at that time or the essence of that moment. At least not with the intensity that I remember Kaleb & Mason at the same age. I think that honestly the reason why I don't have intense memory of her is because I was suffering from undiagnosed Post Partum depression (PPD). I remember being sad alot. I remember feeling unable to cope. I remember stress and unhappiness.

I did not start taking medicine for my PPD until Mason was 8 mos old. Now looking back I see how unhealthy I was and how unhappy I made my family and myself by not getting help sooner. And that is also why I don't have solid memories of Jasmyn and Masons infancy. I was just so busy trying to survive that I did not imprint any memories of how I managed the first months of my children's lives. It is actually quite sad. Well... I feel sad about that.

Now that I am treating my PPD with medication and I am healthy I know what I missed. I am trying to make each moment count with my kids from here on out, and I do have lots of time left with them I know. And Mason really is still a baby. But I know that part of the reason I want to have another baby is because my feelings about this issue. It is almost like I want a "do-over". I know that it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Especially if you consider my "do-over" would be a living breathing, needing a college fund, person. And as most Moms know, once I have this child I will "fail" in some way, regardless. There is no "perfect" parent or childhood. We are human and we make mistakes. I may screw up worst with this (hypothetical) child that with the ones before.

Another revelation I had was how awesome my birth experience was with Mason. I got to experience childbirth in a way that most women just don't get to. I birthed him at home with my children and family surrounding me. There is nothing cooler than that. I still get a big smile on my face and a rush of endorphins every time I tell or even think about his birth story. I would LOVE to have that experience again.

I know the ONLY people that can judge whether or not these reasons are "enough"is Tim and I. And I don't need anyone to validate my desire to have a child. But maybe what I need is some strategies to work through these reasons. If I don't ever get pregnant again will I forever be struggling with these issues?