Other People's Business

I want to first start by saying that I have in the past been guilty of what I am about to complain about. Yes, Little Ole' Me has been known to pry into other people's business. I have even gone so far as to state my opinion on their business. Shame on me. And I hereby apologize if you have even been on the receiving end of my prying. Which now clears my minds to go forth and state my opinion on this issue! LOL!

Recently I was at a gathering of friends. Some of these friends are parents, grandparents and some are not. As some of you may be aware from reading this blog that I have been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for about 9 months now. So it may be that I am just overly sensitive, but I honestly feel that some lines were crossed of just plain common dignity last night. As in most groups of people, you do not all agree on everything. Some co-sleep, some allow crying it out. Some smoke, so don't. Some are Democrats and some are Republicans. Some like big families, some like small. And that of course are just a few things that we can differ on. The possibilities for disagreements are ENDLESS. In most things people can just agree or disagree and move on. And for most things this is possible. When things get sticky is when you start to disagree or even pry into other people's PERSONAL business.

Since when.... is it polite or even acceptable to question ones form of birth control? I mean unless of course you are the other half of a couple or my Doctor. But since when is it OK to just blatantly ask: When do you plan to get a vasectomy? Do you plan to have more children? WOW! Is all I can say. Are you seriously asking these questions? But perhaps the MOST appalling about it, was the tone. It wasn't like: "Wow your children are so well mannered and beautiful. When are you gonna bless the world by having another?" (LOL!) It was more like.... (looking down your nose) "So when exactly are you gonna get a vasectomy? You don't want to have a (*gasp*) accidental Pregnancy?" Wow. All I can say is WOW, You really have some gall to ask that.

I know that I have opened myself up to scrutiny by posting my personal struggles to conceive here on the web, but I was (perhaps naively) looking for support and love, NOT criticism for making the decisions and even less than that I was NOT looking for someone to question my relationship with Tim. So last night, somehow in the conversation it was brought up that I was wanting to conceive another child. Someone asked me very rudely, "why?" I said with a smile on my face "have you seen how BEAUTIFUL my children are and what a blessing they are? Why wouldn't I want another one?" Then the same someone said in a very direct way "well enough is enough". I not so politely said "well I think that is for Tim and I to decide" to which this person responded, "I think Tim HAS said enough is enough". Wow. Again WOW WOWZA.

Who do you think you are????? I had no idea that Tim was discussing our family size plans with YOU. I had no idea he was consulting with YOU every month for the past 9 (nine, yes 9) that we have been TRYING TO CONCEIVE. @@ (eyes rolling). I am pretty sure *I* have been on the receiving end of those conversations with MY husband. Not YOU. How rude of you to make a statement in which you imply I am FORCING my husband to have another child with me. You speak of what you DO NOT KNOW.

Here are a few etiquette tips that I think even Miss Manners would endorse:

• Don't ask about someones form of Birth Control unless a) you are their sexual partner b) you are their health care professional



• Don't offer your negative opinion of a person's chosen family size unless a)you are one of the parents of said family b)you have been asked to financially support said family c)you have been asked to do midnight feedings or diaper changes on a daily basis for any of the children d)you are paying for their college fund.



• Don't make comments about another person's relationship. Period. You are not in the relationship, you do not know what is happening inside that relationship. You don't get a vote.



• Don't hang out with me and my children if my kids bother you. I can sense your attitude and so can they. It is upsetting to me and my kids see right through you. You look silly. If you want to hang out with just me, then invite me to places I wouldn't bring my kids....To the spa, the bar, to coffee. But if you are at a KIDS birthday party. Guess what.... the kids are gonna be loud, eat too much candy and have melt downs.



• Do compliment parents on how well mannered their children are. Believe me... My kids are well mannered. They say excuse me, your welcome, please and thank you. They cough into their elbows. They don't climb on adults they don't know. They don't even talk to you if you don't talk to them first and act welcoming. They sit at the table and eat politely, they are disciplined and in control. If they step out of line we quickly get them back in line or we leave.



• And lastly, if you have no children of your own.... please please reserve your opinion on someone elses family size to yourself. Trust me, you look really silly passing judgement on someone else when you have NEVER walked in their shoes.

AWWWWW I feel so much better. I got all that off my chest. I am sure I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I didn't name any names because if you made the comments...you know who you are. If you didn't make the comments to me, but you have in the past to someone else.... be warned that if you say something like that to me... You might just be featured in my next blog!

On a roll

Well since I bite that last post off to chew on I might as well keep going.....

Why is it that parents of adult children think that they have any say or right to an opinion on what the adult child does with their life? Now I am not talking about things that may harm said adult child. Obviously we would all step in and have an opinion if a child, adult or otherwise was abusing drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. What I am talking about is why on earth do parents of adult children think they can tell their adult children how to get married, who to marry, where to buy a house, plan a wedding, give birth, be in the room while the woman is birthing, Or any other major life altering rite of passage.

Now there is of course ONE exception to my rule. If the parent is in any way financially supporting said adult child then by all means the parents does have a say in how the $ is spent.

So lets look at weddings for example. If your Daughter is planning her wedding, she like any other average girl has actually been planning her wedding LONG before she ever met Mr. Right. She has been thinking of her vows, her dress, her wedding favors, her bridesmaid dresses, her flowers, her colors, even her MILs dress. Think back to your OWN wedding ladies... You wanted a picture perfect day. Whatever "picture perfect" meant to you. Cause lets face it... everyone has a different idea of what "picture perfect" is. So here this girl has been dreaming and hoping and wishing for Mr. Right to Pop the question so she can buy that wedding dress, favors, bridesmaid dress for her picture perfect wedding and you the Mother of the adult daughter says, "No that dress is wrong, wedding favors are STUPID, and your bridesmaids shouldn't wear THAT color". Talk about crushing a girl's dream.

I just want to remind you Mothers out there (And I hope when my kids are getting married that one of my friends reminds me of this before I turn into the Mother-of-the-bride-from-hell [MOTBFH]) YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR WEDDING. You got to pick out your dress, flowers and such. And if your MOTBFH prevented you from getting what you wanted for your perfect day then you should remember how heart broken YOU were and have some sympathy for your daughter. Let your daughter have her way. Let her have her day. Help only if she asks. Suggest only when she wants advice. If something is REALLY important to you then ask your child if you could pay for that "something" or if they would mind incorporating it into the ceremony. You will get alot more cooperation if you are sweet and NOT pushy then if you demand it or refuse it. But if you are not paying you really can't (and in my opinion ) or shouldn't decide for her.

My next pet peeve is the whole grandmothers in the delivery room thing. Simply by deduction, in most situations if you have a Daughter or a Daughter in law that is pregnant then you yourself has already given birth to your daughter or your son. You may remember how vulnerable you felt while in labor and delivery. You are in pain, you are physically exerting yourself, people are putting their hands into a part of your body that is normally reserved for you and your husband. Not to mention that your exposing your most private parts to the whole room whilst they shine a big bright light onto it to make sure EVERYONE can see clearly. Vulnerable only begins to describe how you feel. Then add in the other 100 emotions you are feeling at the moment of becoming a Mommy to this beautiful child. Giving birth is a magical moment in the life of a marriage. One that cannot be matched by any other event. Any time a pregnant women asks a friend or family member to witness such a private blessed event it is such an honor and a blessing to be a part of it. Likewise if the pregnant women just wants her closest friend or just her husband or whomever it is HER decision. It is her rite of passage and her decision and it should be honored. She is the most vulnerable and the most powerful all at the same time as she births her child. She should choose who she shares her triumph with.

Ok Ok I need to climb off my soap box, step away and go to bed. Perhaps tomorrows topics will be on a happier note.

Stepping onto my soap box

Grrrrr. I am feeling just out of sorts and sad. I have debated on whether or not to even post this little rant but I can' t (read:won't) rant at the people that I feel desire to be ranted at. But I still need to get all this angst off my chest. And of course it is always good when my friends will back me up (yes a blatant request for COMMENTS)...... Here goes.

Now anyone that has been around my kids for any length of time knows that they are good kids. I am not just saying that because they are my kids. People from all over my life had said so. Family members, friends, strangers, people at Walmart, their teachers, etc. In fact very few people have ever really seen them melt down or act out. And if they have witnessed the kids acting out they have also witnessed Tim or myself getting them back in line. Quickly. Quietly. CONSISTENTLY. I pride myself on being a good Mother. And I feel that I do the best I know to do. No I am not perfect. But I strive for well mannered, polite, respectful children everyday.

The other thing that anyone that has been around my kids will know is that they are KIDS. Kids to the core. They are loud, rowdy, talkative, and obnoxious. LOL! They like to run in the house, "pet " the cat (really that means pull her tail till she either scratches them or runs away), play with toys, wrestle with adults or another child, they will interact with any one that will give them their attention. There heads are like little sponges collecting any tidbits of knowledge that we adults lay down for them. They are learning about their world and how we interact with each other and with them. They are honest and forthcoming with their feelings and emotions. You never have to guess what my kid is feeling. They will let you know if they are hurt, sad, embarrassed, happy. Their faces are like an open book and they wear their hearts on their sleeves.

If you have read thus far you are probably wondering why I didn't want to post this. Seems pretty benign in terms of rants, right? Well we haven't gotten to the rant part yet.....

I want to just put notice out right here, right NOW. If you did not birth my child or take part in the conception you DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO YELL AT THEM. Yes that means you: Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins twice removed, friends, teachers, principals, or Doctors. Do Not Yell At My Children. Now you can calmly quietly consistently stop the child from doing something that may harm themselves or someone else. You may remove items from their grasp that they may harm someone else or themselves with. You may speak to them in a calm voice and ask them to be quiet, stop doing something, or to do something. But you may not YELL at them.

My kids for the most part, by in large and every other word that indicates Most of the time are good kids. There is never a reason to yell at them. And honestly yelling does NOTHING but make you look like a raging out of control idiot. It certainly has NO EFFECT whatsoever on my kids in regard to getting them to do what you want them to. And you are likely to piss myself & Tim off in the process.

So if you are the type of person to lose control and yell at small children that are really just acting like small children perhaps we should get to together for dinner in the year 2024. By then my small children will have grown up to be wonderful respectful, brilliant adults and perhaps you will have gained some perspective.

Think BEFORE you speak!

I have toyed around with this blog all day. Should I write it, should I not. Will I offend? Do I care? The people this blog is about certainly did not mind offending me, so perhaps responding on this forum would be less offensive than saying the response to the faces of the peanut gallery. But you all know me.... I speak when I should probably shut my mouth. In fact I should probably take my own advice and think before I type, but alas, I can't let these things go so I must release them into the void that IS the Internet.

It started a few weeks ago. Someone through the grapevine said that someone else commented that I "needed to handle my children better". In was said in the context of me asking for help with my children. Basically I asked for help by way of babysitting, this person responded by saying "she needs to handle her children better" basically devalidated my need for a sitter. I take issue with this comment on Several levels, but I will limit my comments to just 3 points.

1) If I am asking for help with my children, my cats, my house, my husband, whatever it is and you want to help then I would love for you to help. If you don't care to help, or can't help or even if you think my request is STUPID, please just respond by saying, "no I am sorry I can't help with x y or z." I understand that your time is as valuable as mine. If you can't, don't want to, or won't help that is fine. But your availability does not make my request for help any less valid.

2) The whole comment "handle her children better"implies that I am doing something wrong with my children. It implies that YOU (the person who said it) could do it better. My response to this is that until you have walked a mile in my shoes you really don't know that you could do it better. I can think of no one in my life that has had my exact situation to handle: 3 Biological children under 5, a foster child under 5, a husband that works out of town 5/7 days of the week, and being a stay at home Mom, with the isolation that occurs with that job title. Now you may have variations of my reality, but you do not have my exact situation. I am not saying that my situation is so speical or needs extra attention, I am saying that I do not know your reality and you do not know mine. So again, until you have walked a mile in my shoes, please keep your judgements and opinions in a manner that WON'T leak back to me. Or if you must share your opinion then have the courtesy to come forth to me directly and allow me to respond to you directly.

3) Lastly, I am doing the very best I can with my children, my husband and my home. I assure you I am my own worst critic. If you think that you are telling me something I don't already doubt about myself you are sorely mistaken. Not a day goes by that I don't look at my situation and think, maybe if I changed x or y or z it would be easier. And lots of times I do make changes, sometimes they work, sometimes they flop. But trust me, I critique my own parenting, my marriage, my ability to be a friend, and family member on a daily basis. Let me assure you that I am doing the very best that I can to "handle my children".

I am sure if you have read this far you are probably hoping that my Rant will end soon. Sorry folks I have a few more comments. LOL!

About a month ago the Dept of H & W invited me to attend a conference discussing trauma to children and how to help them cope. The conference is called: From Hurt to Hope. They are paying for the conference and it covers my entire 12 credits of continued Ed that is required to keep my foster care license current for 3 years. Tim & I worked out the coverage for the kids and we made plans for me to attend. Last week I found out that some of the teachers and social workers from the preschool the kids attend are also going to the conference. They invited me to carpool with them and we even all decided to go to the same speakers. Today I went into the office to discuss with a few of them the plan for the morning as the conference is tomorrow. Now mind you I have not worked outside my home since Aug 2005. And I have not attended a conference such as this well..... um ever. So I wanted to know what attire would be appropriate. I asked a few of the ladies and most said what I expected to hear: business casual. Ok fine. So I jokingly said that I wouldn't be wearing my sweats and crocs for the day tomorrow. And then this woman said something that DID surprised me " yes, well welcome to the "real" world." I was so shocked I did not even know what to say. A few of the other ladies looked uncomfortable and I quickly made haste and left. When I got to the car I thought, Man if my life isn't the "Real" world I am not sure I want to be in it. How much more "Real" does the world get than dirty diapers, piles of laundry, sinks full of dishes, kids getting stitches in their heads and teeth knocked outta their mouths, not to mention hugs and loves from my sweet babies, Flowers from my husband for 'just because', and a life full of people I love. And heck if I get to do all of that in my sweatpants, crocs, hair pulled into a ponytail and no makeup... well then I am pretty fortunate. If being in the "real" world means leaving my kids for someone else to raise in daycare, getting dressed in a stuffy suit, getting up 1/2 hr earlier to put makeup on and do my hair perfectly, never seeing my husband or my friends because I am working all the time, well I guess I will live in "fairytale land" forever! With a joyful and grateful heart!

I am probably just feeling a bit puny and emotional. Or maybe I need to up my medication! LOL! But seriously people, Motherhood is the HARDEST JOB with the most at stake and the biggest rewards. I have 4 little people depending on me for everything physically, mentally, emotionally, stability, food, shelter, clothing and most of all love. I "get" this. I really need support and love. I do not need criticism and judgement. Please think before you speak.