Yup. I had to break down and do it.... I had to go to my OB/Gyn and ask for Provera. Ugh. Let me explain....
About 3 weeks ago I went to my OB/Gyn to ask for help with my cycle from hell. At that time she said that I needed to repeat the pregnancy test in 2 weeks and once it was negative she would give me "something" to trigger my period to start. Well I thought that perhaps the "something" they would give me was just progesterone. And since I already had some prescription progesterone I just started taking it since I knew I wasn't pregnant. The Dr needed to chart that I was not pregnant to CYA, before giving me anything. Anyway, I started to take the progesterone last week and still no period. I am on day 92 of my cycle. Yes you read that right. Ninety-two day cycle. nine two. 9 - 2. So today out of desperation I called the OB/Gyn and went in for a pregnancy test (which by the way costs $25, highway robbery if you ask me). Pregnancy test was negative just like I thought. But for my $25 I did get the prescription for the Super Progesterone, aka: Provera.
The Pharmacist told me that it will make me sick to my stomach, possibly lightheaded and dizzy. Oh Lucky me.... I get to go through all the crappy side effects and THEN get my period! Woot.... I can't wait. LOL! The only glimmer of sunshine in this whole mess is that the Provera is on Walmart's $4 prescription list. So at least I only had to pay $29 for my period. hahahaha
I start taking the Provera tomorrow and will take it for 5 days. It might take up to another week or 10 days for my period to actually. I will be waiting with baited breath.
June 9, 2008
June 8, 2008
The Insulin-Resistance Diet
After my blood draws and talking with a fellow PCOS-er I figured I should do some research on Insulin-Resistance (IR). I looked online for some books I could read and perhaps a diet I could follow. I came across "The Insulin-Resistance Diet" By Hart & Grossman. My Aunt Kathy had actually recommended this book, but I didn't make the connection until I read the back of the book and in the bio of the Dr. it said that they run a Wellness Clinic in the same town I live in. Over the weekend I have been reading and absorbing the book. I have been trying to fully understand the Link And Balance recommendations of this book so that I can lower/eliminate my insulin spikes. I learned so much from this book. It is amazing what I didn't know about food and how it relates to other foods and how our bodies process that food. It was an amazing read. I would strongly recommend ANYONE that has struggled with weight loss to read the book and adopt the wellness lifestyle described in the book.
I am going to make some changes in my lifestyle. There I said it. It is written down so I must actually follow through! LOL! I have learned a few things in the past few weeks.... When I went to the Endo Dr to find out why I am not having a period or ovulating I had to step on the scale for first time in about 8 months. Now I didn't own a scale at home. Probably because I didn't want to admit the number that I would see. I didn't want to know on a weekly, monthly or even every 6 month basis what I weighed. I figured as long as my clothes still fit that I did not need to know the ACTUAL number. So when I stepped on the scale at the Drs office I was SHOCKED. So shocked I made her weigh me again, in hopes that the scale was wrong. But alas it was the same number. I read those 3 numbers and almost cried. I have achieved my TOP WEIGHT. I have never before weighed as much as I do now. Not even when I was 9 months pregnant, any of the 3 times, did I weigh this much. I am normally a very open person about everything and anything, this blog accounts for that. But I am too embarrassed about the actual number that I will not be sharing it with my blog lovers.
I am not sure if my lack of period comes from the weight gain or if it comes from the PCOS. For that matter I am not sure if the PCOS caused the weight gain and the lack of period. Either way something needs to change.... and soon. PCOS causes IR or maybe the other way around. But changes to your diet and activity level can have positive impacts on both the PCOS and the IR. What I am hoping is that by changing my lifestyle which includes my diet and my activity level that I will be able to lose some weight and get my period and ovulation back. I may also be taking some medications to help me as well, although I don't know what if anything yet, as my Endo Dr. still needs to call me back.
I am making changes to my lifestyle that can last a lifetime. I will always have IR and PCOS, but I can probably reduce or eliminate the symptoms of both with lifestyle changes. IR can turn into full blown diabetes, not to mention increase your chances or heart disease, HBP, certain forms of cancer, and stroke. I really want to grow old with my husband and see my grandkids one day. So my lifestyle must change........
I am going to go on the Insulin Resistance diet with the linking and balancing of Carbs and protein. I am going to increase my activity level. I am giving up sugary soda (yes Megan I am coming over to the dark side of "diet" soda LOL). And I am going to eat smaller meals more frequently. I am going to switch to whole grains and low fat/ leaner meats. I am going to increase my water intake.
Oh and I even bought a scale.
I am going to make some changes in my lifestyle. There I said it. It is written down so I must actually follow through! LOL! I have learned a few things in the past few weeks.... When I went to the Endo Dr to find out why I am not having a period or ovulating I had to step on the scale for first time in about 8 months. Now I didn't own a scale at home. Probably because I didn't want to admit the number that I would see. I didn't want to know on a weekly, monthly or even every 6 month basis what I weighed. I figured as long as my clothes still fit that I did not need to know the ACTUAL number. So when I stepped on the scale at the Drs office I was SHOCKED. So shocked I made her weigh me again, in hopes that the scale was wrong. But alas it was the same number. I read those 3 numbers and almost cried. I have achieved my TOP WEIGHT. I have never before weighed as much as I do now. Not even when I was 9 months pregnant, any of the 3 times, did I weigh this much. I am normally a very open person about everything and anything, this blog accounts for that. But I am too embarrassed about the actual number that I will not be sharing it with my blog lovers.
I am not sure if my lack of period comes from the weight gain or if it comes from the PCOS. For that matter I am not sure if the PCOS caused the weight gain and the lack of period. Either way something needs to change.... and soon. PCOS causes IR or maybe the other way around. But changes to your diet and activity level can have positive impacts on both the PCOS and the IR. What I am hoping is that by changing my lifestyle which includes my diet and my activity level that I will be able to lose some weight and get my period and ovulation back. I may also be taking some medications to help me as well, although I don't know what if anything yet, as my Endo Dr. still needs to call me back.
I am making changes to my lifestyle that can last a lifetime. I will always have IR and PCOS, but I can probably reduce or eliminate the symptoms of both with lifestyle changes. IR can turn into full blown diabetes, not to mention increase your chances or heart disease, HBP, certain forms of cancer, and stroke. I really want to grow old with my husband and see my grandkids one day. So my lifestyle must change........
I am going to go on the Insulin Resistance diet with the linking and balancing of Carbs and protein. I am going to increase my activity level. I am giving up sugary soda (yes Megan I am coming over to the dark side of "diet" soda LOL). And I am going to eat smaller meals more frequently. I am going to switch to whole grains and low fat/ leaner meats. I am going to increase my water intake.
Oh and I even bought a scale.
June 6, 2008
PCOS Continued
So I went in this morning for my blood draw. I had to fast from last night at 8:30pm until this morning. It was OK. I just woke up and went to the lab for the draw. It was not a huge deal. The only thing that was kinda sucky was that they had to stick me twice. The nurse got the blood draw orders wrong, so they just drew the Thyroid panel not the rest of the blood work. It was a good thing I asked about all the extra tests because they did not catch the mistake, until I said something. I have now learned to double check the order BEFORE they stick you!
I am hoping that the results will be back by Monday so I have an answer one way or the other. I still haven't done much research yet on Metformin or a better diet. I think I may just have to buy a book or something on that. I am hoping that I already eat healthy enough that I may just have to chance a few things like cutting out soda/sugar, switching to whole grains exclusively and probably changing the combinations of foods I eat (ie. always eating a protein with a carb, etc). Oh and eating smaller meals more frequently. If anyone has a book they could recommend.... I would love that!
As always I will keep you posted!!!!!!
I am hoping that the results will be back by Monday so I have an answer one way or the other. I still haven't done much research yet on Metformin or a better diet. I think I may just have to buy a book or something on that. I am hoping that I already eat healthy enough that I may just have to chance a few things like cutting out soda/sugar, switching to whole grains exclusively and probably changing the combinations of foods I eat (ie. always eating a protein with a carb, etc). Oh and eating smaller meals more frequently. If anyone has a book they could recommend.... I would love that!
As always I will keep you posted!!!!!!
June 5, 2008
PCOS?
Well I went to the Dr. He said that most likely my symptoms are from PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). He is doing a bunch of blood tests to figure it out for sure. Test include levels for: Prolactin, Testosterone, LH, FSH, DHEAS, Basic Metobolic panel(includes insulin), and a Thyroid Panel. Most of those tests have to be done fasting, so I plan to go get them done in the morning. He was fairly certain of his diagnosis even without the blood tests. So much so he talked about treatment of PCOS. His treatment plan is 3 fold. 1) diabetic diet with emphasis on portion control. 2) regular exercise 3) Medication ~ metformin.
Dr. is not so concerned about weight loss as he is on the benefits to your body's metabolism that exercise offers. I guess it helps your body process sugar and insulin more effectively. And of course eating right would have the same effect in terms of blood sugar and insulin. And then the meds would keep everything even, I guess.
I am still doing research on Metformin. I have heard you can't take it while pregnant. So I am not sure what his plan would be for that. I am a bit leery of taking medications in general. That part of the treatment plan is the most difficult for me to get on board with. I mean I already take a Thyroid pill and Prozac on a daily basis. Good grief, I really don't want to take another pill.
Overall the news is disturbing. I am not handling it very well emotionally. I am hoping that I just need to process it and then I will feel better. But another part of me is in denial and wants to wait for confirmation from the blood test before believing it is true. I am guessing that after the blood test results come back I will be more inclined to do more research.
But for tonight I would like to stick my head in the sand.
Dr. is not so concerned about weight loss as he is on the benefits to your body's metabolism that exercise offers. I guess it helps your body process sugar and insulin more effectively. And of course eating right would have the same effect in terms of blood sugar and insulin. And then the meds would keep everything even, I guess.
I am still doing research on Metformin. I have heard you can't take it while pregnant. So I am not sure what his plan would be for that. I am a bit leery of taking medications in general. That part of the treatment plan is the most difficult for me to get on board with. I mean I already take a Thyroid pill and Prozac on a daily basis. Good grief, I really don't want to take another pill.
Overall the news is disturbing. I am not handling it very well emotionally. I am hoping that I just need to process it and then I will feel better. But another part of me is in denial and wants to wait for confirmation from the blood test before believing it is true. I am guessing that after the blood test results come back I will be more inclined to do more research.
But for tonight I would like to stick my head in the sand.
Tim hates my hair
Sob sob sob sob sob...........*sigh*
So yesterday I really needed a pick me up. I have needed a haircut for a while since my hair was really damaged at the ends. And since Jasmyn & Mason had such a great experience with Kristie I called her to see if she had time for a cut and color. She did! Yay!
When I arrived at the salon I was early so I looked at some books trying to find some inspiration. I fond none. LOL! When I sat in Kristie's chair I told her to make me beautiful with a style that is not very high maintenance, but to keep the length because Tim hates short hair. She did exactly what I asked for!!! She gave me a cute cut, an AWESOME color and styled it in a way that I cold replicate. Fabulous!
So after I left the salon I went to Sara and picked her up and we headed to the LeAnn Rimes concert! The concert was AWESOME. LeAnn Rimes is AWESOME. I took a few pictures of my hair at the concert which are below. I think it is cute. You be the judge.
Anyway, so I woke up this morning. Late. My throat hurts from screaming at the concert and from breathing the smoke. Tim gets up and starts making breakfast. I go into the bathroom and wash my face and brush my new hair. I come out into the kitchen. I sit for a while. I talk to Tim. I hang out with the kids.... waiting for Tim to say something about my hair. He looks at me several times. I know he noticed. Frustrated ...I say "so you either didn't notice my hair or you hate it". He says, "I hate the way it is styled". So we get into an argument and he asks me, "Did you do that to your hair just to spite me?" What the heck is he talking about?!?!?!? So then he reminds me a haircut I did about 100 years ago that I did because he made me mad. I cut my hair really short. Partially because I knew he would hate it and I was stating my independence that he could not "rule me" and the other (more major)part because it was 100 degrees outside, I was working as a maid in non A/C rooms and I was roasting my ass off. Oh I was 19 years old at the time. Give me a break Tim......I would think that 14 years and 3 kids later I would have more respect for myself than to do anything semi permanent to my HAIR just to spite him. The last straw and at the point that I stopped speaking to him was when he said, "You look like you stepped off the set of some 1950's movie with those swoopy bangs". What an ass.
Here is the front. I actually didn't do too much different. Kristie did cut some little side sweeping bangs, and she put lots of layers in it, and the color she did was to cover the grey. I actually like it alot.
This is the back. it still sweeps my shoulders and is long enough that, by Tim's standards, "I look like a girl". The color looks great too.
So what do you think? Cute? 1950's-ish?
Or should I just tell Tim that when he starts getting up in the morning to style my hair he can choose how I cut it?!?!?!?
June 4, 2008
I Heart Co-sleeping!
A few weeks ago I posted about Mason climbing outta his crib and that now we were unsure what to do with him as far as sleeping goes. Well I think we have a solution!
Co-Sleeping! No, not with me. With his brother! Let me explain....Kaleb & Jasmyn were sleeping in bunk beds. Mason knows how to climb up the ladder, but can't seem to get down the ladder or at least he usually falls while trying. So obviously we could not move Mason into that room with his brother with the ladder and the bunk beds. So yesterday we decided to make Mason's old room the "dressing/changing room" and Jasmyn & Kaleb's bedroom the "sleeping room". We moved the dressers outta Kaleb's room into Mason's room which freed up a bunch of space and then pulled the top bunk off and set the beds side by side. Kaleb's bed that used to be the top bunk has a rail all the way around it with the exception of a space to climb in and out at the bottom. We left the rail on the bed to keep the boys from falling out of bed. Last night we put the boys down together and Jasmyn in her bed right next to the boys bed. We turned on the night light and within a half an hour they were ASLEEP. The reason it took 1/2 hr was due to getting the giggles out and the newness of the sleeping arrangement! But no tears from any of them and they all stayed in their beds ALL NIGHT LONG. Tim & I had no midnight visitors or midnight wakings. It was fantastic! Why didn't I do this a month ago? LOL
I remember as a child always climbing into bed with David to sleep. I had my own room and my own bed, but I always ended up in his bed or him in mine. I also seem to recall My mom sleeping with her sisters when she was little. Maybe it was Jeana and Kathy that always slept together? I know for them it was partially a space issue or lack of extra bed issue. But I think that despite that issue the girls enjoyed sleeping together. I think it gives a fosters a closer bond between siblings and a sense of protecting each other, even if it is just from the "monsters" under the bed.
When I asked Kaleb this morning how he slept he said "good, and Mason was a big brave boy and fell asleep without crying Mom. I am so proud of him". Mason was just beaming when he heard Kaleb say that about him. I was so proud of both my boys! I asked them if they wanted to sleep together tonight and they both said "Yeah!" . I say " Yay yay yay!" I am really hoping this will cut down on the midnight visitors to my bed and that everyone will sleep better!
Oh I hope this works..... I will keep you posted!
Co-Sleeping! No, not with me. With his brother! Let me explain....Kaleb & Jasmyn were sleeping in bunk beds. Mason knows how to climb up the ladder, but can't seem to get down the ladder or at least he usually falls while trying. So obviously we could not move Mason into that room with his brother with the ladder and the bunk beds. So yesterday we decided to make Mason's old room the "dressing/changing room" and Jasmyn & Kaleb's bedroom the "sleeping room". We moved the dressers outta Kaleb's room into Mason's room which freed up a bunch of space and then pulled the top bunk off and set the beds side by side. Kaleb's bed that used to be the top bunk has a rail all the way around it with the exception of a space to climb in and out at the bottom. We left the rail on the bed to keep the boys from falling out of bed. Last night we put the boys down together and Jasmyn in her bed right next to the boys bed. We turned on the night light and within a half an hour they were ASLEEP. The reason it took 1/2 hr was due to getting the giggles out and the newness of the sleeping arrangement! But no tears from any of them and they all stayed in their beds ALL NIGHT LONG. Tim & I had no midnight visitors or midnight wakings. It was fantastic! Why didn't I do this a month ago? LOL
I remember as a child always climbing into bed with David to sleep. I had my own room and my own bed, but I always ended up in his bed or him in mine. I also seem to recall My mom sleeping with her sisters when she was little. Maybe it was Jeana and Kathy that always slept together? I know for them it was partially a space issue or lack of extra bed issue. But I think that despite that issue the girls enjoyed sleeping together. I think it gives a fosters a closer bond between siblings and a sense of protecting each other, even if it is just from the "monsters" under the bed.
When I asked Kaleb this morning how he slept he said "good, and Mason was a big brave boy and fell asleep without crying Mom. I am so proud of him". Mason was just beaming when he heard Kaleb say that about him. I was so proud of both my boys! I asked them if they wanted to sleep together tonight and they both said "Yeah!" . I say " Yay yay yay!" I am really hoping this will cut down on the midnight visitors to my bed and that everyone will sleep better!
Oh I hope this works..... I will keep you posted!
June 2, 2008
Prayer request
I just got off the phone with my cousin Brent. He and his wife Emily are pregnant with their 2nd child. I think they are about 20-22 wks along in their pregnancy. They recently had an ultrasound and when they went to the DR. today s/he discussed the results of the ultrasound. I don't know all the details, but what I do know is that the Dr was concerned about a finding on the ultrasound with the baby. They will be watching the condition over the next few weeks via another ultrasound before deciding if further testing is necessary for a definitive diagnosis.
I am praying and asking you to pray, that the condition goes away on it's own and that their little baby girl is born healthy and happy.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my cousin Brent and his wife and child.
I am praying and asking you to pray, that the condition goes away on it's own and that their little baby girl is born healthy and happy.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my cousin Brent and his wife and child.
Letters!
Thank you to Aunt Terrie who sent the kids a letter (and a $1). We received them today and the letters just made them beam. We are teaching them about saving money so the $1 went right into the piggy banks!
We will work on a return letter for you in the next few days!
If anyone else would like a new pen pal.....just email me and I will give you our address. It sure did make the kids happy to receive a letter from the mail woman addressed to them!
Thank you again Terrie it was very sweet!
We will work on a return letter for you in the next few days!
If anyone else would like a new pen pal.....just email me and I will give you our address. It sure did make the kids happy to receive a letter from the mail woman addressed to them!
Thank you again Terrie it was very sweet!
More...
I just re read my Margarita post. It was very late last night when I hit the "publish" button. I am now thinking that I could add a few more thoughts to make my point of view a bit more clear or perhaps more muddy.
In the past when I got bit by the Baby Bug it was an insatiable desire that consumed me completely until I saw the positive pregnancy test. Then the desire to get pregnant was replaced with an obsession to stay pregnant. Once out of the 12 week danger zone my obsession with fear was replaced by planning the "perfect" birth. Then once the birth was completed I became obsessed with breastfeeding and overcoming the seemingly endless complications with breast feeding that cropped up with each child. And then once the breastfeeding was established I would get swept away with the regular ins and outs of parenting a baby and also older siblings. I would hold myself to a very high standard of what I deemed necessary to be a successful parent/mother/wife/friend. Looking at it now I realize that I probably needed Prozac A LONG TIME AGO! LOL!
I realize that my obsessive behavior in regard to procreation and breastfeeding and parenting is part of what pushed me into PPD (Post Partum Depression) to begin with. It actually might be a case of what came first the chicken or the egg. I even think back to my wedding and my desires to have it just perfect and the feeling of failure I felt when things did not go exactly as I planned. It was years before I let it go, and still sometimes I think about the things I deemed as "failures". Tim and I have been married for 8 years. Why on earth do I still care that the bread the caterer brought had not been sliced? Or that in a moment of extreme stress I took a sip from a flask that one of the groomsmen had in his jacket, in front of everyone? These things are probably something only *I* remember. But it is within this same vein that I think about my failures in pregnancy, parenting and even in birthing.
I know that every Mom has things she regrets in terms of parenting. Some things she can change, some things she just needs to let go. For instance, if you lose your cool and spank your child out of anger, you can make a change in your parenting and decide to discipline with more compassion or at least with more control. So a mistake in discipline can be corrected and you can ask your child for forgiveness. But there are some things you cannot change. I have a huge parenting regret that I can not change. When Kaleb was born we decided to circumcise him. I knew the moment they wheeled him out of my hospital room into the surgical suite that I was making the wrong choice. But I did not have the inner strength to stand up to the Pediatrician, nurses, nor even Tim. It is a decision that 5 1/2 years later I still regret. So much so that when Mason was born I refused to consent to the circumcision despite Tim's insistence that it be done. Mason is intact. Kaleb is circumcised. If I made the wrong decision with Mason at least he could have the circumcision done at a later date. If I made the wrong choice with Kaleb, well he is outta luck. As far as I know there is no way to regrow foreskin that preforms the same way that the original foreskin would have.
I also have huge regrets over my use of medications when Kaleb was born. I often think that if I would have just waited a few more days he would have come on his own and I would not have been induced with pitocin, needed an epidural and he would have been more alert when he was born and our breastfeeding relationship would have been easier to establish. Or what if I would have just waited with Jasmyn a mere 15 more minutes and she would have been crowning and the IV wold not have been necessary. And I really should have clamped my legs shut and told the resident on call to get out of my room when she tried to pull my placenta out by the cord. That little adventure is what caused my uterine infection a week later. Yeah, I got lots of regrets. And when people talk about Mommy wars (when one Mom puts down another Mom for a parenting/birthing/feeding decision) I always think that I have enough self loathing that I do not need anyone else to be critical. LOL! And this tendency to be self critical is part of what makes me unhealthy as a person without Prozac.
With Prozac I can look at my "failures" and see that I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had. I can see that my decisions at the time were based on me doing the very best I could do at that time. I feel forgiveness for myself and I am able to accept that I can not control everything. This healthier approach to my life while on Prozac is the main reason that I continue to take it, despite the emotional plateaus. I can cut myself some slack. I am not nearly as obsessed about a clean house, keeping up with the Joneses, worrying about what people think of me, and my children behaving like angels 100% of the time. I think this is a good thing. I think I have found balance.
The only issue I have with Prozac at this point is when trying to make this decision to TTC. Maybe if TTC now was as easy as it was before with our older children I would not have so much angst. I really wish I could just feel the same level of passion to procreate as I did before Prozac. Now I am faced with the dilemma... Is Prozac the reason why my emotions to TTC are more neutral or is there another reason I am neutral?
Tim has been neutral about TTC # 4 from the get go. He is fine if we don't TTC and he would be thrilled if we did get pregnant. But in either scenario he wants the decision to be made, and soon. He does not want too much time to pass between Mason and a new pregnancy. Tim has a deadline in his mind. If I can't decide one way or the other then by this fall, he will make the decision to get a vasectomy. He does NOT want a child late in life. So in his mind, it is now.....or never. And I tend to agree with him. Prolonging the pregnancy comes with risks as my body and eggs are not as young as they once were. Not to mention that we have always wanted the kids to be close in age. And eventually I want to go back to work, but can't until the last child is in school. So prolonging a pregnancy has very real consequences that we are not willing to live with.
Anyone have any thoughts?
In the past when I got bit by the Baby Bug it was an insatiable desire that consumed me completely until I saw the positive pregnancy test. Then the desire to get pregnant was replaced with an obsession to stay pregnant. Once out of the 12 week danger zone my obsession with fear was replaced by planning the "perfect" birth. Then once the birth was completed I became obsessed with breastfeeding and overcoming the seemingly endless complications with breast feeding that cropped up with each child. And then once the breastfeeding was established I would get swept away with the regular ins and outs of parenting a baby and also older siblings. I would hold myself to a very high standard of what I deemed necessary to be a successful parent/mother/wife/friend. Looking at it now I realize that I probably needed Prozac A LONG TIME AGO! LOL!
I realize that my obsessive behavior in regard to procreation and breastfeeding and parenting is part of what pushed me into PPD (Post Partum Depression) to begin with. It actually might be a case of what came first the chicken or the egg. I even think back to my wedding and my desires to have it just perfect and the feeling of failure I felt when things did not go exactly as I planned. It was years before I let it go, and still sometimes I think about the things I deemed as "failures". Tim and I have been married for 8 years. Why on earth do I still care that the bread the caterer brought had not been sliced? Or that in a moment of extreme stress I took a sip from a flask that one of the groomsmen had in his jacket, in front of everyone? These things are probably something only *I* remember. But it is within this same vein that I think about my failures in pregnancy, parenting and even in birthing.
I know that every Mom has things she regrets in terms of parenting. Some things she can change, some things she just needs to let go. For instance, if you lose your cool and spank your child out of anger, you can make a change in your parenting and decide to discipline with more compassion or at least with more control. So a mistake in discipline can be corrected and you can ask your child for forgiveness. But there are some things you cannot change. I have a huge parenting regret that I can not change. When Kaleb was born we decided to circumcise him. I knew the moment they wheeled him out of my hospital room into the surgical suite that I was making the wrong choice. But I did not have the inner strength to stand up to the Pediatrician, nurses, nor even Tim. It is a decision that 5 1/2 years later I still regret. So much so that when Mason was born I refused to consent to the circumcision despite Tim's insistence that it be done. Mason is intact. Kaleb is circumcised. If I made the wrong decision with Mason at least he could have the circumcision done at a later date. If I made the wrong choice with Kaleb, well he is outta luck. As far as I know there is no way to regrow foreskin that preforms the same way that the original foreskin would have.
I also have huge regrets over my use of medications when Kaleb was born. I often think that if I would have just waited a few more days he would have come on his own and I would not have been induced with pitocin, needed an epidural and he would have been more alert when he was born and our breastfeeding relationship would have been easier to establish. Or what if I would have just waited with Jasmyn a mere 15 more minutes and she would have been crowning and the IV wold not have been necessary. And I really should have clamped my legs shut and told the resident on call to get out of my room when she tried to pull my placenta out by the cord. That little adventure is what caused my uterine infection a week later. Yeah, I got lots of regrets. And when people talk about Mommy wars (when one Mom puts down another Mom for a parenting/birthing/feeding decision) I always think that I have enough self loathing that I do not need anyone else to be critical. LOL! And this tendency to be self critical is part of what makes me unhealthy as a person without Prozac.
With Prozac I can look at my "failures" and see that I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had. I can see that my decisions at the time were based on me doing the very best I could do at that time. I feel forgiveness for myself and I am able to accept that I can not control everything. This healthier approach to my life while on Prozac is the main reason that I continue to take it, despite the emotional plateaus. I can cut myself some slack. I am not nearly as obsessed about a clean house, keeping up with the Joneses, worrying about what people think of me, and my children behaving like angels 100% of the time. I think this is a good thing. I think I have found balance.
The only issue I have with Prozac at this point is when trying to make this decision to TTC. Maybe if TTC now was as easy as it was before with our older children I would not have so much angst. I really wish I could just feel the same level of passion to procreate as I did before Prozac. Now I am faced with the dilemma... Is Prozac the reason why my emotions to TTC are more neutral or is there another reason I am neutral?
Tim has been neutral about TTC # 4 from the get go. He is fine if we don't TTC and he would be thrilled if we did get pregnant. But in either scenario he wants the decision to be made, and soon. He does not want too much time to pass between Mason and a new pregnancy. Tim has a deadline in his mind. If I can't decide one way or the other then by this fall, he will make the decision to get a vasectomy. He does NOT want a child late in life. So in his mind, it is now.....or never. And I tend to agree with him. Prolonging the pregnancy comes with risks as my body and eggs are not as young as they once were. Not to mention that we have always wanted the kids to be close in age. And eventually I want to go back to work, but can't until the last child is in school. So prolonging a pregnancy has very real consequences that we are not willing to live with.
Anyone have any thoughts?
June 1, 2008
Margaritas
Last night Sara and I went to a local Mexican restaurant to share a pitcher of margaritas. While we drank we talked. This is a pretty normal occurrence with us. Although usually we drink coffee or tea. But last night seems to call for margaritas. We talked about the daily goings on with our kids, husbands, events coming up this summer, but as normal our conversation moved to my forever long cycle, what I should do and how I am feeling about the whole trying to conceive thing.
Anyone that has ever talked to me for any length of time about a topic that is important to me knows that I often need to talk it out to really understand where I stand or how I feel on a particular topic. Often these long passionate conversations will lead to new ideas and new thoughts on the topic at hand. Last night was no different.
I really have been doing a lot of thinking about our family and the dynamic of having 3 children. I have some concerns about the whole "middle child syndrome", although I am not even sure I can define what those concerns are yet. The dynamic of our family overall has changed dramatically since Future is now living with another family. The most noticeable difference is that the kids seem to be falling back into the roles that they had prior to Future moving in. I knew that the family roles were a bit off when Future was here, but I did not expect the changes to come so easy and readily. It is actually a bit disturbing, but that is for another blog....
So now that the dynamic of our family is changed and more like what I remember, I am hesitant to make any changes to that dynamic. And after a very stressful year last year I am even more hesitant to take on more stress this year. I have more questions than answers in this area.
Every other time I have been trying to get pregnant I have been very emotionally invested in the decision. Call it hormones, call it wanting control, call it my biological clock, whatever it was it had me rolling like a roller coaster through the journey of TTC. Every day I was charting religiously and freaking out over ever pseudo symptom. I was in essence making myself crazy. But I never doubted my commitment to TTC Kaleb, Jasmyn or Mason (or the 2 babies we miscarried). So why on earth am I doubting my decision to TTC another child?
Well I think I *might* have an answer. Prozac. I have been on Prozac for over a year. It works great for me with my anxiety and my sleep disturbances. But I have noticed that as my stress level decreases that the numbing effect of the medication is more pronounced. The peaks and valleys are more like plateaus. Just as a few examples.... A friend got her heart broken by a boy. She was crying to me and while I felt very bad for her I did not cry. The last day of Preschool for my kids, when saying good bye to the teachers (that I LOVE) and walking my kids through that rite of passage I felt pride and sadness but did not really express those emotions in an appropriate way. And lastly, Tim bought a car that we were unaware that needed some work. Where I normally would have gotten angry at the seller and/or Tim I had literally NO emotion whatsoever on the issue.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not an emotionless shell. I still feel emotions, but just not with the intensity that I remember feeling prior to Prozac. I have just noticed that now that my stress level is less that in situations that I would normally cry, I just don't have tears. This could be in situations that I would cry tears of Joy or tears of sorrow. In either situation, I just don't cry. I do still feel elation and sadness, just not to the point of tears. I am still trying to figure out if that is a good or bad thing and where the balance is.
The decision to have a child in the past has always been an emotional decision for me. I never really worry about financial issues because we always find a way (not that I would have 10 kids, but going from 2 to 4, to me, just isn't that big of a difference). I know that I have enough Love for another child. I know that my kids would love another sibling. I know that Tim would love another child with the same intensity that he loves our kids now. So if you take out financial, and you know you have enough love, then for me, what is left is the biological desire to procreate. And wrapped up in my desire to procreate is my love of children, My love of being pregnant, breastfeeding, watching them grow, seeing them love their siblings, seeing Tim interact with the children, and my own bond with the kids. Of course it is much more than that, almost an indescribable desire, one that can not be put into words.
So with the addition of Prozac into my life it has lessened the tick tock of my biological clock! And maybe that is a good thing. Maybe then the decision to TTC or not will be a more thought out, non emotional, fiscally responsible decision. LOL!
I will post more about this as I figure it out.......
Anyone that has ever talked to me for any length of time about a topic that is important to me knows that I often need to talk it out to really understand where I stand or how I feel on a particular topic. Often these long passionate conversations will lead to new ideas and new thoughts on the topic at hand. Last night was no different.
I really have been doing a lot of thinking about our family and the dynamic of having 3 children. I have some concerns about the whole "middle child syndrome", although I am not even sure I can define what those concerns are yet. The dynamic of our family overall has changed dramatically since Future is now living with another family. The most noticeable difference is that the kids seem to be falling back into the roles that they had prior to Future moving in. I knew that the family roles were a bit off when Future was here, but I did not expect the changes to come so easy and readily. It is actually a bit disturbing, but that is for another blog....
So now that the dynamic of our family is changed and more like what I remember, I am hesitant to make any changes to that dynamic. And after a very stressful year last year I am even more hesitant to take on more stress this year. I have more questions than answers in this area.
Every other time I have been trying to get pregnant I have been very emotionally invested in the decision. Call it hormones, call it wanting control, call it my biological clock, whatever it was it had me rolling like a roller coaster through the journey of TTC. Every day I was charting religiously and freaking out over ever pseudo symptom. I was in essence making myself crazy. But I never doubted my commitment to TTC Kaleb, Jasmyn or Mason (or the 2 babies we miscarried). So why on earth am I doubting my decision to TTC another child?
Well I think I *might* have an answer. Prozac. I have been on Prozac for over a year. It works great for me with my anxiety and my sleep disturbances. But I have noticed that as my stress level decreases that the numbing effect of the medication is more pronounced. The peaks and valleys are more like plateaus. Just as a few examples.... A friend got her heart broken by a boy. She was crying to me and while I felt very bad for her I did not cry. The last day of Preschool for my kids, when saying good bye to the teachers (that I LOVE) and walking my kids through that rite of passage I felt pride and sadness but did not really express those emotions in an appropriate way. And lastly, Tim bought a car that we were unaware that needed some work. Where I normally would have gotten angry at the seller and/or Tim I had literally NO emotion whatsoever on the issue.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not an emotionless shell. I still feel emotions, but just not with the intensity that I remember feeling prior to Prozac. I have just noticed that now that my stress level is less that in situations that I would normally cry, I just don't have tears. This could be in situations that I would cry tears of Joy or tears of sorrow. In either situation, I just don't cry. I do still feel elation and sadness, just not to the point of tears. I am still trying to figure out if that is a good or bad thing and where the balance is.
The decision to have a child in the past has always been an emotional decision for me. I never really worry about financial issues because we always find a way (not that I would have 10 kids, but going from 2 to 4, to me, just isn't that big of a difference). I know that I have enough Love for another child. I know that my kids would love another sibling. I know that Tim would love another child with the same intensity that he loves our kids now. So if you take out financial, and you know you have enough love, then for me, what is left is the biological desire to procreate. And wrapped up in my desire to procreate is my love of children, My love of being pregnant, breastfeeding, watching them grow, seeing them love their siblings, seeing Tim interact with the children, and my own bond with the kids. Of course it is much more than that, almost an indescribable desire, one that can not be put into words.
So with the addition of Prozac into my life it has lessened the tick tock of my biological clock! And maybe that is a good thing. Maybe then the decision to TTC or not will be a more thought out, non emotional, fiscally responsible decision. LOL!
I will post more about this as I figure it out.......
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