Margaritas

Last night Sara and I went to a local Mexican restaurant to share a pitcher of margaritas. While we drank we talked. This is a pretty normal occurrence with us. Although usually we drink coffee or tea. But last night seems to call for margaritas. We talked about the daily goings on with our kids, husbands, events coming up this summer, but as normal our conversation moved to my forever long cycle, what I should do and how I am feeling about the whole trying to conceive thing.

Anyone that has ever talked to me for any length of time about a topic that is important to me knows that I often need to talk it out to really understand where I stand or how I feel on a particular topic. Often these long passionate conversations will lead to new ideas and new thoughts on the topic at hand. Last night was no different.

I really have been doing a lot of thinking about our family and the dynamic of having 3 children. I have some concerns about the whole "middle child syndrome", although I am not even sure I can define what those concerns are yet. The dynamic of our family overall has changed dramatically since Future is now living with another family. The most noticeable difference is that the kids seem to be falling back into the roles that they had prior to Future moving in. I knew that the family roles were a bit off when Future was here, but I did not expect the changes to come so easy and readily. It is actually a bit disturbing, but that is for another blog....

So now that the dynamic of our family is changed and more like what I remember, I am hesitant to make any changes to that dynamic. And after a very stressful year last year I am even more hesitant to take on more stress this year. I have more questions than answers in this area.

Every other time I have been trying to get pregnant I have been very emotionally invested in the decision. Call it hormones, call it wanting control, call it my biological clock, whatever it was it had me rolling like a roller coaster through the journey of TTC. Every day I was charting religiously and freaking out over ever pseudo symptom. I was in essence making myself crazy. But I never doubted my commitment to TTC Kaleb, Jasmyn or Mason (or the 2 babies we miscarried). So why on earth am I doubting my decision to TTC another child?

Well I think I *might* have an answer. Prozac. I have been on Prozac for over a year. It works great for me with my anxiety and my sleep disturbances. But I have noticed that as my stress level decreases that the numbing effect of the medication is more pronounced. The peaks and valleys are more like plateaus. Just as a few examples.... A friend got her heart broken by a boy. She was crying to me and while I felt very bad for her I did not cry. The last day of Preschool for my kids, when saying good bye to the teachers (that I LOVE) and walking my kids through that rite of passage I felt pride and sadness but did not really express those emotions in an appropriate way. And lastly, Tim bought a car that we were unaware that needed some work. Where I normally would have gotten angry at the seller and/or Tim I had literally NO emotion whatsoever on the issue.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not an emotionless shell. I still feel emotions, but just not with the intensity that I remember feeling prior to Prozac. I have just noticed that now that my stress level is less that in situations that I would normally cry, I just don't have tears. This could be in situations that I would cry tears of Joy or tears of sorrow. In either situation, I just don't cry. I do still feel elation and sadness, just not to the point of tears. I am still trying to figure out if that is a good or bad thing and where the balance is.

The decision to have a child in the past has always been an emotional decision for me. I never really worry about financial issues because we always find a way (not that I would have 10 kids, but going from 2 to 4, to me, just isn't that big of a difference). I know that I have enough Love for another child. I know that my kids would love another sibling. I know that Tim would love another child with the same intensity that he loves our kids now. So if you take out financial, and you know you have enough love, then for me, what is left is the biological desire to procreate. And wrapped up in my desire to procreate is my love of children, My love of being pregnant, breastfeeding, watching them grow, seeing them love their siblings, seeing Tim interact with the children, and my own bond with the kids. Of course it is much more than that, almost an indescribable desire, one that can not be put into words.

So with the addition of Prozac into my life it has lessened the tick tock of my biological clock! And maybe that is a good thing. Maybe then the decision to TTC or not will be a more thought out, non emotional, fiscally responsible decision. LOL!

I will post more about this as I figure it out.......