On a roll

Well since I bite that last post off to chew on I might as well keep going.....

Why is it that parents of adult children think that they have any say or right to an opinion on what the adult child does with their life? Now I am not talking about things that may harm said adult child. Obviously we would all step in and have an opinion if a child, adult or otherwise was abusing drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. What I am talking about is why on earth do parents of adult children think they can tell their adult children how to get married, who to marry, where to buy a house, plan a wedding, give birth, be in the room while the woman is birthing, Or any other major life altering rite of passage.

Now there is of course ONE exception to my rule. If the parent is in any way financially supporting said adult child then by all means the parents does have a say in how the $ is spent.

So lets look at weddings for example. If your Daughter is planning her wedding, she like any other average girl has actually been planning her wedding LONG before she ever met Mr. Right. She has been thinking of her vows, her dress, her wedding favors, her bridesmaid dresses, her flowers, her colors, even her MILs dress. Think back to your OWN wedding ladies... You wanted a picture perfect day. Whatever "picture perfect" meant to you. Cause lets face it... everyone has a different idea of what "picture perfect" is. So here this girl has been dreaming and hoping and wishing for Mr. Right to Pop the question so she can buy that wedding dress, favors, bridesmaid dress for her picture perfect wedding and you the Mother of the adult daughter says, "No that dress is wrong, wedding favors are STUPID, and your bridesmaids shouldn't wear THAT color". Talk about crushing a girl's dream.

I just want to remind you Mothers out there (And I hope when my kids are getting married that one of my friends reminds me of this before I turn into the Mother-of-the-bride-from-hell [MOTBFH]) YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR WEDDING. You got to pick out your dress, flowers and such. And if your MOTBFH prevented you from getting what you wanted for your perfect day then you should remember how heart broken YOU were and have some sympathy for your daughter. Let your daughter have her way. Let her have her day. Help only if she asks. Suggest only when she wants advice. If something is REALLY important to you then ask your child if you could pay for that "something" or if they would mind incorporating it into the ceremony. You will get alot more cooperation if you are sweet and NOT pushy then if you demand it or refuse it. But if you are not paying you really can't (and in my opinion ) or shouldn't decide for her.

My next pet peeve is the whole grandmothers in the delivery room thing. Simply by deduction, in most situations if you have a Daughter or a Daughter in law that is pregnant then you yourself has already given birth to your daughter or your son. You may remember how vulnerable you felt while in labor and delivery. You are in pain, you are physically exerting yourself, people are putting their hands into a part of your body that is normally reserved for you and your husband. Not to mention that your exposing your most private parts to the whole room whilst they shine a big bright light onto it to make sure EVERYONE can see clearly. Vulnerable only begins to describe how you feel. Then add in the other 100 emotions you are feeling at the moment of becoming a Mommy to this beautiful child. Giving birth is a magical moment in the life of a marriage. One that cannot be matched by any other event. Any time a pregnant women asks a friend or family member to witness such a private blessed event it is such an honor and a blessing to be a part of it. Likewise if the pregnant women just wants her closest friend or just her husband or whomever it is HER decision. It is her rite of passage and her decision and it should be honored. She is the most vulnerable and the most powerful all at the same time as she births her child. She should choose who she shares her triumph with.

Ok Ok I need to climb off my soap box, step away and go to bed. Perhaps tomorrows topics will be on a happier note.

Stepping onto my soap box

Grrrrr. I am feeling just out of sorts and sad. I have debated on whether or not to even post this little rant but I can' t (read:won't) rant at the people that I feel desire to be ranted at. But I still need to get all this angst off my chest. And of course it is always good when my friends will back me up (yes a blatant request for COMMENTS)...... Here goes.

Now anyone that has been around my kids for any length of time knows that they are good kids. I am not just saying that because they are my kids. People from all over my life had said so. Family members, friends, strangers, people at Walmart, their teachers, etc. In fact very few people have ever really seen them melt down or act out. And if they have witnessed the kids acting out they have also witnessed Tim or myself getting them back in line. Quickly. Quietly. CONSISTENTLY. I pride myself on being a good Mother. And I feel that I do the best I know to do. No I am not perfect. But I strive for well mannered, polite, respectful children everyday.

The other thing that anyone that has been around my kids will know is that they are KIDS. Kids to the core. They are loud, rowdy, talkative, and obnoxious. LOL! They like to run in the house, "pet " the cat (really that means pull her tail till she either scratches them or runs away), play with toys, wrestle with adults or another child, they will interact with any one that will give them their attention. There heads are like little sponges collecting any tidbits of knowledge that we adults lay down for them. They are learning about their world and how we interact with each other and with them. They are honest and forthcoming with their feelings and emotions. You never have to guess what my kid is feeling. They will let you know if they are hurt, sad, embarrassed, happy. Their faces are like an open book and they wear their hearts on their sleeves.

If you have read thus far you are probably wondering why I didn't want to post this. Seems pretty benign in terms of rants, right? Well we haven't gotten to the rant part yet.....

I want to just put notice out right here, right NOW. If you did not birth my child or take part in the conception you DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO YELL AT THEM. Yes that means you: Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, 2nd cousins twice removed, friends, teachers, principals, or Doctors. Do Not Yell At My Children. Now you can calmly quietly consistently stop the child from doing something that may harm themselves or someone else. You may remove items from their grasp that they may harm someone else or themselves with. You may speak to them in a calm voice and ask them to be quiet, stop doing something, or to do something. But you may not YELL at them.

My kids for the most part, by in large and every other word that indicates Most of the time are good kids. There is never a reason to yell at them. And honestly yelling does NOTHING but make you look like a raging out of control idiot. It certainly has NO EFFECT whatsoever on my kids in regard to getting them to do what you want them to. And you are likely to piss myself & Tim off in the process.

So if you are the type of person to lose control and yell at small children that are really just acting like small children perhaps we should get to together for dinner in the year 2024. By then my small children will have grown up to be wonderful respectful, brilliant adults and perhaps you will have gained some perspective.

So Very Bummed

Yes another cycle has gone by and NO I am not yet pregnant. And it is NOT from lack of trying! AWWWWWW I HATE PCOS!

And it just doesn't make sense. My chart is PERFECT. Perfect temperature shift, perfect CP, Perfect CM Pattern, Perfect timing. But I am still spotting. I am sure that my period will be arriving in full force tomorrow.

I have done a limited amount of research and found out that women with PCOS can have perfect charts and still not actually have a follicle mature enough to Ovulate. So it looks like I will be going back to the Dr. in the next few weeks to see what they say.

I was just so sure that this cycle was IT. I was so sure that we would be announcing wonderful news on here.

I am SO VERY BUMMED!

Uncle David

My kids have been counting down the days until Uncle David gets home. I wanted to make it a positive experience for them. So to prepare them I showed them pictures of them with David, reminded them that he is Future's Dad, and told them how much David loves all of them. We counted down the days until he got home. They were VERY excited to see him. Well Kaleb & Jasmyn said they were excited...LOL! Once we actually saw David they treated him like any other adult that they don't know. They said hello but kept their distance and watched him for awhile until they got more comfortable. I am so happy to say that it hasn't taken long for them to warm up to him. Even Mason, which is the more difficult to convince.

Dave has certainly helped alot by doing things with the kids that provides interaction and some direct attention to them. We went swimming together and David swam underwater and "chased" the kids, he swam with Jasmyn in her life jacket to the deep end of the pool, and he played with a beach ball with Mason. These activities earned him some brownie points with the kiddos.

The next day we saw Dave the kids readily climbed into his lap. So I snapped a few pictures.

Dave & my kids

Then they decided to make silly faces.

Mason became very interested in David's tongue and how far he could stick it out. So Dave and Mason started sticking their tongues out at each other. Jasmyn joined in too.

Tongue lovin' fun!

What NONE of us expected was Mason combining the Tongue fun with his make believe cat personality. He meows at you, rubs against your leg and yes he licks you. All of these things he has seen our cats at home do. So Mason started trying to lick David.

David is NOT happy about this development!

Despite David's best efforts to avoid Mason's tongue but still play the tongue fun game with him.... well Dave got licked...... on his tongue.

We laughed and laughed about these pictures. I think Dave got up and used some mouth wash. Mason thought this was a completely normal way to behave.

He even gave Dave a little smooch to say "tanks for playing"

I give Dave all kinds of props for hanging with Mason during this playtime. I don't even let Mason lick me, let alone any where near my face. But Mason and Dave bonded over that little play session!

After that little play session it was time for dinner. Kaleb wanted to have a tea party. Basically with dinner he wanted to drink juice out of little tiny cups and use the little tiny tea pot to refill the cups over and over. Tea Parties are alot more fun if an adult joins in. Mom and I were still putting the finishing touches on our dinner so Dave sat down and joined the tea party.

Dave's 1st Tea Party!

Those cups look small in the kids hands but they look teeny tiny in Dave's big hands. LOL! He is a good sport!

I am so pleased David is home and that he is connecting with me and my children in such simple but meaningful ways. The kids are starting to make memories with their Uncle Dave. That is a huge part of childhood. Making memories with the ones you love. I feel so blessed that David can be part of making some happy memories with my children and myself.

In the woods with my best friend

This post contains information about my fertility (or lack thereof), TTC, and a ritual that Sara and I preformed. Please use your own personal discretion when decided whether to continue reading this particular post. I am not offended if you stop reading now! I am proud of the ritual we preformed and although I realize that lots of people don't share my views, I feel that some of my readers would like to bear witness to my ways of coping with my infertility. And honestly, sharing this information is a bit raw and makes me feel vulnerable. If you feel I can not trust you with that vulnerability, please stop reading. Love~ Jen

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Sara and I have been done fertility rituals before. We did one on May Day back in 2001 to thank God/Goddess for allowing Sara to become pregnant with Sierra her oldest daughter. At the time of that ritual I was on the cusp of starting TTC our first child. We lit candles, made mud and rubbed it on each others bellies and also said words to the deities that we wanted to honor. Quite a bit of research went into this ritual. That of course was BEFORE we had kids! LOL! The ritual we recently preformed was alot more spur of the moment.

Sara's family and my family went up to the North Fork of the CDA River for a camping trip the last weekend in July. I find the area we camped in to be extremely peaceful and holy. I truly feel it is sacred space. The tall trees, the river, the mountains, the rocks. everything is just alive with energy and sacred power. Sara & I wanted to get away from the kids and our husbands for some one on one time. We wanted to commune together within the beauty that surrounded us. Sara had brought with her some Turkish Body Salt Scrub and some essential oils. Our original plan was to just have a spa in the woods. What we ended up doing was so much more profound and meaningful.

First of all we found the perfect spot that was close to camp but far enough away that we had some privacy and peace and quiet. All we could hear was the river rushing over the rocks and our voices as we talked.

This little rocky spot on the edge of the river was

where we decided was a perfect, sacred space.

This is the view upstream.

We had brought with us a bug tub to do a foot soak. We started by gathering flowers and tree sprigs to float in our foot soak water. On our hike into this space we came across a very rare find.

A wild strawberry

We filled the tub with about 6 inches of water from the river. We floated our flowers, vines, twigs and sprigs of greenery in the water.

We positioned our chairs to face each other so we could both soak our feet together. Sara added some essential oils into the water. I believe she used Peppermint, Lemongrass, and eucalyptus.

Then we went to the riverbank and found some fresh soil. We scooped up the dirt from the ground and put it into a cup. Next I went to the river's edge and added river water into the cup and stirred until I was happy with the Mud's consistency. Sara also added Essential oils to the mud. Next we needed to find some rocks to represent the male and female aspects of fertility. We found what we called a Goddess and a God rock.

Our Goddess and God Rocks.

Next Sara using her hands rubbed the mud all over my belly. I helped her rub it in a circular pattern. We both focused on bringing life and energy into my womb. Sara and I didn't really speak, but we looked into each others eyes and joined our energies together. We just seemed to focus on what my heart desire was... for my fertility to return tome and for Tim & I to be able to conceive. As an offering to the God and Goddess Sara took the God Stone and painted in the mud a Goddess symbol. She swirled in the Goddesses tummy a spiral to indicate where the energy needed to be placed for healing.

Here is a picture.

I held the Goddess and God Rocks up against my muddy belly for further transfers of energy and healing.

After we got done with the mud we moved on to a full body cleansing. Sara rubber Turkish Body Salt Scrub onto my body and visa versa. It felt awesome to have the oily salty mixture rubbed onto our skin. Sara and I agree that having it rubbed on our backs was the most relaxing. After we were covered in the salt scrub we sat down in our chairs facing each other and put our feet into the foot soak.

We ate some snacks and drank some wine and talked. We enjoyed the beautiful surroundings and talked about how serene and wonderful our spot on the river was. When we thought our bodies had soaked up all the oil we walked into the river. We helped each other wash the salt off our backs and bathed our bodies in the river. I also scrubbed the mud off my belly and washed myself in river. It was very refreshing. The oils in the salt scrub made our bodies a bit tingly when the cold water splashed our skin. IT seemed like the river was washing away all my doubt and fears about my inability to conceive. I felt better after the ritual in my ability to leave it to my higher power. What will be, will be. While I hope for a child I also can accept that it might not be meant to be. Doing the fertility ritual in the beautiful mountains at the edge of the river made me realize I have much to be thankful for. I felt rejuvenated and full of life as we walked back to our camp site.

I want to thank Sara for preforming the ritual with me. She is one of only 2 people on this planet that understand the significance of this ritual to me. I am honored to have shared this experience with her and am so thankful she loves and supports me in my endeavors. I love you Sara. Thank you so much for loving me and being my best friend.

David is home!

After being away for 3+ years he is finally home. It is an awesome feeling having him back home. This picture was taken at my Moms house in her pool area. I got to see him for a few hours today. I wish it could have been longer, but he has lots of people to see. Besides, he is here now so there will be opportunity to see him and hang out.

Here we are together. I can't even remember the last time we posed for a picture together. It has been years and years. He is taller than I remember! LOL! And we have the same forehead and chin. Thanks Dad for the forehead and Mom for the chin.

I am looking forward to getting to know him again. I need him as much as he needs me. I forgot that until I saw him today. The years he has been gone, not only these past years but the ones before when he was physically here but not mentally, well... we have been robbed of sibling hood. The man I saw today is the one whom I want to get to know again and support, love and respect again.

It is strange that when I was sitting there with him and looking into his eyes that I "saw" him when he looked back. I forgot how piercing his eyes are. How big his teeth and smile are. I see grey hair were once was pink or blond or whatever color he dyed it. I see familiarity but also like meeting someone for the first time. It was very strange.

I am sure that I will be posting more stuff about Dave as time moves forward. He will be a welcome face in my life and heart. I can hardly wait to share that with you all, but more excited to experience it for myself.

Jen Turns 33!

Yup. I just celebrated the 4th anniversary of my 29th birthday! LOL!

Sorry there are no pictures. No party. No fuss. I am the party planner in my house. I make sure that all the rest of the family enjoys their birthdays. But when mine rolls around... I guess I am partied out. I really don't want to plan another party or decorate my own birthday cake. Instead we just kinda skip over it. Tim did make me a steak dinner on the 21st (his day off, even though my actual birthday was the 22nd). I did end up getting Katie to babysit and going out with Sarah & Sara on my actual birthday. We went to a Mexican place to eat dinner and drank 2 pitchers of margaritas. We ended up staying until closing and then walking around downtown for a while before we drove home! LOL! But it was a fun night. We talked and talked about our lives and caught up with each other. Nothing fancy, just 3 girls hanging out!

I have decided that next year I will do the same. Nothing fancy, just girls hanging out. I had high hopes that Tim would do something special for me. But as he expressed to me he is "not a planner". Well that is the truth! LOL!

Mason Turns 2!

On July 19th Mason turned 2 years old. We celebrated the day after his birthday due to Tim's work schedule. But since Mason can't read a calendar yet.... it was no big deal to him when as long as we did it!
We started out the day with Blueberry Pancakes. This time the kids actually did eat them! After breakfast I finished decorating Mason's Birthday cake. Then we just hung out at home for a while and packed up a bag and the presents to head over to my Mom's house for his B-day Party. When we got there we opened up presents. He got a few things but the most mentionable are the Life Jacket and the Camp Chair. Both were needed for (all the kids needed them) our upcoming camp trip.

Big Smiles in his new Camp Chair!

They LOVE their new chairs!
Opening Presents and playing with his new puzzle

Next was Life Jackets for all.
After we gave them the life jackets we put on our swimsuits and went to Grandma pool to try them out. Mason doesn't really like his that much. Jasmyn LOVES hers and was swimming around the pool like a fish in no time. Kaleb was a bit more hesitant but got the hang of it pretty fast as well.

After swimming we came back upstairs and ate lunch. We had 2 of Mason's Favorites: Pizza and Cantaloupe. He wanted to sit in his new chair so we set him and Jasmyn up at the coffee table.

He REALLY likes Melon!

After Pizza and melon we had Cake. I decorated it using a Monkey from Mason's favorite book as a guide. I think it turned out very cute, even if my Mom wasn't sure what kind of animal was actually hanging from the tree. @@
I somehow forgot to grab the birthday candles off the counter at home when I packed our bag so I had to use some tea lights that Mom had handy. Good thing he is only turning 2!

We sang Happy Birthday to him and then he blew the candles out all by himself!!!!

Jasmyn & Kaleb were very proud of him for blowing them out!

Then we dished up cake. Kaleb likes the end pieces! More frosting!

Mason LOVES chocolate cake! He ate it by the fist fulls!

I can still remember the highly anticipated birth of Mason. I was overdue by 6 days and so sick of being pregnant. We were also planning our first home birth. It was a very highly anticipated birth. But once labor started and everyone arrived that was supposed to attend the birth it went very fast. Only 3 short painful hours until my little man was squirming in my arms instead of in my tummy. I feel as blessed today as I did the day he was born into that pool of water. He is such a sweet boy with such a great little personality. I am so proud to be his mommy.

Happy 2nd Birthday Mason Alexander. We love you!

A Ticker and some let me sit on your couch stuff.

Yup. There is the ticker. As of today it has been 6 1/2 months since we started on this journey to try to get pregnant with baby #4. It has been a bumpy ride and I don't know if the end is near. It makes me sad. And it makes me ANGRY for all those years that I took for granted my fertility. I figured that I could "always" get pregnant when I wanted to. Boy do those words sting now. So this ticker will set on my blog until I get pregnant or give up on that dream.

The next thing is that I am so very sorry blogland that I have been MIA. We celebrated 4 birthdays this month, threw A huge B-day party for all of us and went on a 4 day camping trip. Busy describes our July. So that is why I haven't been around keeping you updated. But I see by the visitor counter that you all have been checking in and have probably been disappointed by the lack of a new post. My apologies. I hope that things will get back to normal now that we are home again. I have lots to catch everyone up on as well. I promise to do that over the next few days.

Lastly..... And this is a big one.... When is enough really enough? When do you just call it quits on a relationship that brings you more pain than joy? When do you stop trying to improve it and just get to the acceptance part? (Before anyone jumps to conclusions.... Tim and I are very happy. This is NOT about him). Now don't get me wrong. I am not blameless in the toxic relationship. I carry a lifetime of blame. So when is enough really enough? Can I just accept that the relationship is what it is and not expect more nor put more energy into it than I receive back? The hardest part for me is when my expectations get up and then something happens to disappoint me. So is the answer just to not have any expectations of this person? I just really feel compelled to protect myself and my kids from hurt feelings and disappointments over and over again.

Does anyone out there have advice? Comments are highly needed.

I need a BREAK!!!!!

Yikes.... I am trying to remember the last time I was totally kid free...........ummm Nope not then I took J with me............ahhhhh.........nope not them either, M was with me.............Oh I got it.....Tim's birthday we went to dinner and a movie alone. Yup that was the last time. That was July 2nd. Today is the 17th. I have had 15 consecutive days of kids kids kids.

Granted we have been keeping busy. We go swimming, to the park, to the splash pad, we take bike rides and go for walks, we play in our backyard, we see friends and have playdates, we have celebrated 2 birthdays and are planning 2 more. We also have mornings were I take the kids downstairs and do "preschool" with them where we read stories, work on worksheets, and do crafts. In addition to going to the library and doing the summer reading program. But NONE of that is for ME. It is for our family and it is good for me as far as the exercise and it does instill in the kids the need for lifetime habit of exercise. But it feels more like our summer is programmed and scheduled to the hilt.

I would love a day of beauty at the spa. Or a night out with Tim. I would love a girls night out with no curfew! Heck I would even like to read a book that doesn't rhyme!

My birthday is coming up on the Tuesday the 22nd. Tim has to work that day. My Mom told me she is busy that day as well. So it looks like it is just me and my kids for my birthday. *sigh* Maybe I will find a babysitter and round up some friends!