I got a call from my Aunt Kathy today. She was concerned about my state of mind after my last post. I was deeply touched that she called to check on me. She and I spoke about my post and I assured her that I was fine, which I AM fine by the way.
Her concern got me thinking about why it is that I am choosing to open myself up so wide and be so vulnerable in this blog. After about 2 seconds of thought a light bulb appeared above my head. I write about the stuff in my life that is challenging for me or gives me joy or is just plain fun, because in a normal day I don't get much adult interaction. Yes I talk to the kids teachers and the social worker at the school. They are all wonderful. But some days other than my quick chats with them about the kids, the weather, or other things involving the children I don't really get to talk to another adult. Yes I chat with Tim on the phone, but if you have ever spoke to me on the phone for any length of time you know that my multi-tasking is commonplace. I change a diaper, get a snack for the kids, console a hurt child and referee fights all within a few minutes of a phone call. And most of what I have said in the past posts, well is just not kid appropriate. I mean, I can hardly talk about masturbation and vibrators while the children are within ear shot. (can you imagine the parent teacher conference after my child uses THAT vocabulary at school?!?!)
So If I can't talk to anyone, I don't see anyone, and my children shouldn't hear what I have to say anyway, well what is left? You guessed it.... this blog and a few other message boards I frequent. And as most of you know I process my thoughts by communication. I am NOT a great introverted person whom can take a walk or meditate and feel better. I need to talk or write my feelings on an issue out to really KNOW how I feel. I talk or write to vent my frustrations and my fears and my joys. Give me a girls night out with a glass of blush wine or a margarita, a quiet booth with good atmosphere and I will talk until they start turning off the lights!
And since they would call CPS on me if I drank a margarita every time my life stressed me out, I needed a new outlet! Welcome to... The Bray Bunch. Perhaps I should change the name of my blog to something more appropriate like "the inner thoughts of Jen" or "The madness that makes Jen" or perhaps something else clever. Or maybe the title of "the Bray Bunch" is appropriate.. I am in fact the glue that holds this family together. This blog is about my entire family. And heck I like the name.... it has a nice ring.
So readers, due to the aforementioned circumstances of my life, you may occasionally read a blog or two that resembles a conversation I should be having with a therapist, if only I could find a sitter so I could keep my appointments! Putting my thoughts out there on this blog and into the universe somehow allows me to free myself from the quagmire of that day. I feel that if I write it and you read it then it is a substitute for an "Adult conversation". (although it is even MORE helpful to me if you comment on my blogs! Thanks Megan for being my constant commenter!) Thank you for reading and commenting and letting me sit on your couch!
1 comment:
I know what u mean when I did daycare I longed for "adult" conversation. It is very lonely and alot of people take it for granted they don't know what it is like to be "alone" and have noone to talk to really talk to. I am glad you are doing ok and I surely agree you need a outlet to vent and what a great idea to do this. I give praise to you for being strong enough to be a SAHM I did it for 3 yrs and couldn't take it anymore i needed to work for my sanity. I do mis the days of playing with the kids but they are going to school now so I see less and less of them anyhow. So be strong and soon you'll have them all in school and be able to reflect on how you were a awesome parent who got to watch them grow into the strong beings they are. It is lonely at times I got to tell ya once they are all in school the house just seems to quiet :(. Will see ya Sat! Love ya~
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