What makes this hard

I think that if a Dr. had diagnosed me with PCOS after I had all the children I wanted then this wouldn't be so hard. I can take the diagnosis of PCOS and Insulin Resistance (IR) with the knowledge that I can make changes to my diet and my lifestyle to prevent getting worst diagnosis's of heart deceases and diabetes. I am very motivated to make the necessary changes to make my life the best and healthiest it can be. I know that I can take the Metformin, exercise often, eat a low carb diet. All of those things are within my control. I can do it. I know I can. I want to be here for my children and in good health.

What makes this so hard is that I can't "make" myself Ovulate. I can't "make" myself pregnant. I can't. And no matter how many times a week I exercise and no matter how many carbs I cut from my diet, and no matter how many Metformin pills I pop.... I can't make myself have a baby. I especially can't make myself have a baby in the time frame that Tim & I have agreed to.

Now I know that miracles have happened. I don't doubt that. And I know that if it is meant to be, it will be. I am ashamed of myself that I took for granted my fertility. I always thought that when I wanted a child I could have more. When I was having miscarriages I had my doubts, but once I had Kaleb, even though I feared another miscarriage, I always thought that we would eventually be successful in having another child. At this point in my fertility journey I honestly can say that I am scared, worried, and petrified that I won't be able to conceive. Ever. Again.