More...

I just re read my Margarita post. It was very late last night when I hit the "publish" button. I am now thinking that I could add a few more thoughts to make my point of view a bit more clear or perhaps more muddy.

In the past when I got bit by the Baby Bug it was an insatiable desire that consumed me completely until I saw the positive pregnancy test. Then the desire to get pregnant was replaced with an obsession to stay pregnant. Once out of the 12 week danger zone my obsession with fear was replaced by planning the "perfect" birth. Then once the birth was completed I became obsessed with breastfeeding and overcoming the seemingly endless complications with breast feeding that cropped up with each child. And then once the breastfeeding was established I would get swept away with the regular ins and outs of parenting a baby and also older siblings. I would hold myself to a very high standard of what I deemed necessary to be a successful parent/mother/wife/friend. Looking at it now I realize that I probably needed Prozac A LONG TIME AGO! LOL!

I realize that my obsessive behavior in regard to procreation and breastfeeding and parenting is part of what pushed me into PPD (Post Partum Depression) to begin with. It actually might be a case of what came first the chicken or the egg. I even think back to my wedding and my desires to have it just perfect and the feeling of failure I felt when things did not go exactly as I planned. It was years before I let it go, and still sometimes I think about the things I deemed as "failures". Tim and I have been married for 8 years. Why on earth do I still care that the bread the caterer brought had not been sliced? Or that in a moment of extreme stress I took a sip from a flask that one of the groomsmen had in his jacket, in front of everyone? These things are probably something only *I* remember. But it is within this same vein that I think about my failures in pregnancy, parenting and even in birthing.

I know that every Mom has things she regrets in terms of parenting. Some things she can change, some things she just needs to let go. For instance, if you lose your cool and spank your child out of anger, you can make a change in your parenting and decide to discipline with more compassion or at least with more control. So a mistake in discipline can be corrected and you can ask your child for forgiveness. But there are some things you cannot change. I have a huge parenting regret that I can not change. When Kaleb was born we decided to circumcise him. I knew the moment they wheeled him out of my hospital room into the surgical suite that I was making the wrong choice. But I did not have the inner strength to stand up to the Pediatrician, nurses, nor even Tim. It is a decision that 5 1/2 years later I still regret. So much so that when Mason was born I refused to consent to the circumcision despite Tim's insistence that it be done. Mason is intact. Kaleb is circumcised. If I made the wrong decision with Mason at least he could have the circumcision done at a later date. If I made the wrong choice with Kaleb, well he is outta luck. As far as I know there is no way to regrow foreskin that preforms the same way that the original foreskin would have.

I also have huge regrets over my use of medications when Kaleb was born. I often think that if I would have just waited a few more days he would have come on his own and I would not have been induced with pitocin, needed an epidural and he would have been more alert when he was born and our breastfeeding relationship would have been easier to establish. Or what if I would have just waited with Jasmyn a mere 15 more minutes and she would have been crowning and the IV wold not have been necessary. And I really should have clamped my legs shut and told the resident on call to get out of my room when she tried to pull my placenta out by the cord. That little adventure is what caused my uterine infection a week later. Yeah, I got lots of regrets. And when people talk about Mommy wars (when one Mom puts down another Mom for a parenting/birthing/feeding decision) I always think that I have enough self loathing that I do not need anyone else to be critical. LOL! And this tendency to be self critical is part of what makes me unhealthy as a person without Prozac.

With Prozac I can look at my "failures" and see that I made the best decision I could at the time with the information I had. I can see that my decisions at the time were based on me doing the very best I could do at that time. I feel forgiveness for myself and I am able to accept that I can not control everything. This healthier approach to my life while on Prozac is the main reason that I continue to take it, despite the emotional plateaus. I can cut myself some slack. I am not nearly as obsessed about a clean house, keeping up with the Joneses, worrying about what people think of me, and my children behaving like angels 100% of the time. I think this is a good thing. I think I have found balance.

The only issue I have with Prozac at this point is when trying to make this decision to TTC. Maybe if TTC now was as easy as it was before with our older children I would not have so much angst. I really wish I could just feel the same level of passion to procreate as I did before Prozac. Now I am faced with the dilemma... Is Prozac the reason why my emotions to TTC are more neutral or is there another reason I am neutral?

Tim has been neutral about TTC # 4 from the get go. He is fine if we don't TTC and he would be thrilled if we did get pregnant. But in either scenario he wants the decision to be made, and soon. He does not want too much time to pass between Mason and a new pregnancy. Tim has a deadline in his mind. If I can't decide one way or the other then by this fall, he will make the decision to get a vasectomy. He does NOT want a child late in life. So in his mind, it is now.....or never. And I tend to agree with him. Prolonging the pregnancy comes with risks as my body and eggs are not as young as they once were. Not to mention that we have always wanted the kids to be close in age. And eventually I want to go back to work, but can't until the last child is in school. So prolonging a pregnancy has very real consequences that we are not willing to live with.

Anyone have any thoughts?